I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl.
So I'm wise and I have worms.
Now.
Oh! Breakfast.
I got you your sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?
Um...
the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
But thank you, and why don't you just...
Take a couple of hours.
Office is yours.
Home Alone, Risky Business.
Take your pants off, run around.
Whatever you wanna do.
I'm just gonna take a nap in my car till work starts.
Okay.
See? Healthier.
Gotta watch those carbs.
Today I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner.
Investing in real estate.
Diversifying. Smart.
Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
It is very important to own property.
Back in olden days,
they would not even let you vote
unless you owned property.
They'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
And it worked. Yes.
We should bring the stocks back.
People will obey the law.
There'd be less troublemakers.
Maybe.
Every so often, Jim dies of boredom.
I think today it was the expense reports
that did him in.
And, uh, our deal is
that it's up to me to revive him.
You see Dwight's coffee mug? Mm-hmm.
Sometimes when he's not here,
I try to throw stuff in it.
No way.
Let's do this.
Oh!
Here. Try paper clips.
Oh, wait. This message.
For Dwight.
Perfect.
Uh! Oh!
You should go.
Yes. Yes.
Final walkthrough. Mm-hmm.
Sign the papers at the condo.
You have your lawyer there?
Uh, I don't need one. Can I be your representative?
I don't need a representative. I think I should be there.
No, no. No, I'm good.
I can make sure things are up to code.
No, Dwight. I'm fine. Please?
I'm always the guy that you rely on at work.
Well, this isn't about work.
This is closing on a condo.
It's completely personal.
So you're taking a personal day?
Accept that
this is about my living arrangement,
and as boss,
I need to have a living arrangement
in order to do work.
Please?
I'll make you proud.
Okay, fine. Yes, you can come.
Yes! As your representative?
As my associate.
Same thing. No, it is not.
I have been Michael's number two guy
for about five years.
And we make a great team.
We're like one of those classic, famous teams.
He's like Mozart,
and I'm like... Mozart's friend.
No.
I'm like Butch Cassidy,
and Michael is like Mozart.
You try and hurt Mozart,
you're gonna get a bullet in your head
courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Oh, most honorable Pamera.
Not offensive because that's the way they talk in movies.
You headed out? Uh, we are.
Dwight and I are going to the big thing.
So why don't you have everybody
work on their expense reports,
and I'd like them in by the end of the day.
Okay. Very good.
Have a great time. We will.
Um, did you do the thing
I asked you to do about the magazines?
Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Good. The...
Small Businessman? Yep.
Maxim? American Way?
Cracked?
Yes.
I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
How about m... uh,
Fine Arts... Aficionado Monthly?
No? Okay.
Well, could you get on that?
'Cause I don't just read Cracked.
Thank you.
Okay. See you soon.
What kinda shocks you got on this baby?
I don't know. Regular, normal ones.
Nothin' fancy.
Not my style.
What are you doin'?
I wanna put the top down.
No, Dwight. It's 50 degrees outside.
Don't... Please.
Yeah, but then no one can see us.
I... Just, would you put it up?
Okay. Fine.
Just leave it down.
Whiner.
Check it out.
Terminator.
I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Ooh.
Hey, Oscar.
Um, these new expense reports.
Do we really have to go back to last quarter?
Yeah.
It's a terrible system, I know.
What?
What does "2005 season" mean?
Tha...
Wait a minute. What is this?
It's a scoreboard.
What?
Kevin and I play this paper football game
when Michael's out. Really?
Yeah. Or when we're bored.
Oh, my God!
Wait, this goes back two years!
We're bored a lot.
Oh-ho. Oh!
Sweet. Yes!
So close.
I really love the, uh,
paper triangle flicking and hitting things game.
Yeah. We call it Hateball.
Why?
Because of how much Angela hates it.
Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Sometimes we play
Who Can Put the Most m&ms in Their Mouth?
You play that.
You should ask Toby
to teach you Dunderball.
Home sweet home.
Which one's yours?
Right there.
My sanctuary.
My party pad.
Someday I can just see
my grandkids
learning how to walk out here.
Hang a swing from this tree.
Push 'em back...
Wait.
No, it's this one right here.
Home sweet home.
So that's what this sound is all day.
Michael, this is Bill.
He's the head of the Condo Association.
Oh! Hey, how are you?
Nice to meet you, Bill.
Bill. Mr. Bill.
Oh, no!
Mr. Bill! Whoa! Ho-Ho!
SNL?
When they pull him apart?
He would always get rolled over by something.
N-Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
This is smaller than your old place.
Yes, well, I'm buying it and I'm not renting it.
So it's still an upgrade.
He doesn't know anything about property ownership.
He's kind of an idiot. Um...
Actually, I do own property.
My grandfather left me
a 60-acre working beet farm.
I run it with my cousin Mose.
We sell beets to local stores
and restaurants.
It's a nice little farm.
Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Are we ready to sign some papers?
Actually, no.
We have a couple of questions,
uh, about the neighborhood.
I-It's very safe. It's very clean.
Uh, also, it's very accepting
of all lifestyles.
It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Oh, good. That's good.
It's good to be accommodating of... that.
Let's go check out the master bedroom.
Stanley.
Just played Dunderball with Toby...
What about you? Do you have any games?
Yeah, I got a game.
It's called Work Hard So My Kids Can Go To College.
Fair enough.
This, my friends,
is the master bedroom.
Check out the cathedral ceilings.
Those are, like, 17 feet high.
We have cable readiness right there.
I am going to totally pimp this place out.
I am going to put a surround sound system.
I am going to put a plasma screen
right against this wall.
Ooh, terrible idea.
'Cause I'm putting my bed right over here.
No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall.
Neighbor throws his wife into the wall,
plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed.
Well, the I will get a warranty.
Warranties don't cover it. Plus, they're a rip-off.
Well, then I won't get a warranty. Christina!
Shh! So, that's the problem. It's solved.
What? I don't hear you practicing.
Can you hear that?
Oh, man!
These babies are thin!
This scented candle
andle... andle...
Which I found in the men's bathroom, room, room...
Represents the eternal...
burning of competition or something.
It smells like cookies.
Yes, it does.
Yes, it does, my friend.
Okay, we will be competing
for gold, silver, and bronze
yogurt lids.
Now, the bronze are really blue.
And they're also the backside of the gold,
so no flipping.
Okay? Honor system.
I do play games.
I sing.
And I dangle things in front of my cats.
I play lots of games.
Just not at work.
Let the games begin.
And then I just need you to sign here at this arrow.
What kind of mortgage did you get?
Uh, 10-year.
Well, 10 over 30,
so 30-year total.
What? Wha...
You said 10. S...
10-year fixed...
over 30.
30-year total.
Huh. 30 years.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wow, you'll be payin' this off in your mid 70s.
All right.
Forget about retiring when you're 65.
Hey, I've got an idea.
You know that extra bedroom?
If the whole girlfriend thing never happens,
that's where the nurse can live.
Okay, all right.
Oh, boy. Well, this is it.
Whenever you're ready.
Yeah. Um...
Ho. Ho-okay.
Is that supposed to come off?
Actually, yes. Hey, look, cool. Carpenter ants.
Um... Gonna take a little, uh, breather
for a second.
Excuse me.
It'll be here waiting for you.
Oh, man.
A 30-year mortgage
at Michael's age
essentially means that he's buying a coffin.
If I were buying my coffin,
I would get one with thicker walls
so you couldn't hear the other dead people.
Oh! Whenever you're ready, Michael.
Ugh!
You have what is the national sport
of Icelandic paper companies.
And I'm blanking on the name.
Could you help me out, Pam?
Jim, they refer to it as...
Flonkerton.
Hmm.
In English,
Box of Paper Snowshoe Racing.
Fair enough,
but I like Flonkerton.
The thing about Jim is,
when he's excited about something,
like the office Olympics,
he gets really into it
and he does a really great job.
But the problem with Jim
is that he works here,
so that hardly ever happens.
So who will be challenging Kevin
in Flonkerton?
Anyone.
I'll do it.
Yes! Phyllis!
Phyllis, if you'd just put your foot right through here.
Right through the flonk.
The ceilings are lower than they were last week.
That... I don't...
What? I don't know if you showed me
this same unit or not.
Where... Michael, this is the unit you saw, and...
Where are all the hot people?
I was told that there would be
all these attractive singles.
Who told you that? And as far as I can tell,
I'm the best-looking person here.
There's a basic principle in real estate
that you should never be
the best-looking person in the development.
It's just sorta common sense,
because if you are,
then you have no place to go but down.
Is this a financial thing?
If it's financial thing,
what some people do is, they rent out the third bedroom.
No, no. No, no, no, no.
And that's some extra income for you.
I am not going to rent the third bedroom.
I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin'.
You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
Muh...
I made the right decision.
I'm glad I signed.
The... I'm a homeowner.
Right?
Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying.
This is good.
This is fun. We're havin' fun.
Totally havin' fun.
Can you imagine those poor saps
stuck at the office today?
Here we go. Here we go.
Dig deep.
Dig deep!
Oh!
It's Phyllis! It's Phyllis.
Phyllis by a nose.
Gold medal in Flurnenton.
Flonkerton!
Thank you, delegate from Iceland.
Wow. Okay.
No one else should even try.
Gold medals.
Give him medals.
Wow!
There's somethin' else, Dwight,
wanted to talk to you about.
I have a surprise for you.
For helpin' me out today.
Oh, you didn't have to do... No.
No. I insist, I insist.
Because you've really done some great work.
Great work!
And that is why I am going to let you
move into my third bedroom
and pay me rent.
Why did I do it?
Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts.
Uh, I rewarded Dwight
with the room,
and he is rewarding me back
with, uh, $500 plus utilities.
I don't even know what to say.
I'm thinkin', lock into a four-year commitment.
We'll go month-to-month after that.
Or until I start dating,
have a girlfriend.
And then you're, you know,
you're gone, so...
Question: Where can I put my terrarium?
What hell is a terrarium?
It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Oh, so, an aquarium?
Uh, that...
will not come into this place.
Okay? Question:
Oh, my God.
My grandparents left me
a large number of armoires.
Are you sure you don't wanna play?
I'm sure.
Come on, Angela. Don't you have a game?
I have one, yes.
Well, let's play. What is it?
I call it Pam Pong.
I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk
and goes to reception to talk to you.
We're friends.
Apparently.
Very nicely done.
Okay, so, think that's H-O-R for Stanley
and H-O for Phyllis.
Are you calling me a ho?
Oh, my God.
Phyllis coming alive. I like it.
Question: What about carpooling?
Uh, who pays for the gas?
We take separate cars.
Then question: Can sometimes I drive your car
and you drive mine?
Why would we do that?
Just for fun? No.
Question: Who's the primary on the fire insurance?
Game over!
Offer revoked, Dwight.
I'm sorry,
but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy
and help out a friend,
and this is what happens.
This is what I get.
I... God.
I'm... Okay.
Ooh.
Thank God.
It was nice of him to offer.
But I live in a nine-bedroom farmhouse.
I have my own crossbow range.
It's a perfect situation for me.
Although two bathrooms would have been nice.
We just have the one.
And it's under the porch.
Ding!
Ah! Oh!
Who had somebody from Van's Refrigeration?
Ryan Howard.
Ryan.
Gold medal.
I made something for our closing ceremonies.
What?
Oh, my God!
Where'd you have time to make that?
Automatic voice mail.
All right, Pam. All right.
Nice work.
You know you can always refinance your mortgage.
We had a 15-year on our beet farm.
We paid it off early.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm.
Beets are the worst.
People love beets. Nobody likes beets.
Everyone loves beets.
Nobody likes beets, Dwight!
Why don't you grow something that everybody does like?
You should grow candy.
I'd love a piece of candy right now.
Not a beet.
Let's get this roof goin'.
Stop it! Ow!
Final lap! Final lap!
Oscar!
Time to beat is 1:15.
Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds.
Here they come!
Guys?
What is going on?
Nothing.
Guys? Timer still goin'? Or...
That's my stopwatch.
There you go. All done.
Great.
Yeah, I filled out the expense reports.
That took about five minutes.
And then I closed two sales at lunchtime.
So... about as productive as any other day.
If not more so.
I figured I could throw it away now,
or I could keep it for a couple of months
and then throw it away.
I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them,
but what am I gonna do with a gold medal
made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?
Hey.
I have 59 voice mails.
Mm.
Hey, can you ignore those
and do something for me instead?
Sure.
Okay.
Today, 5:00...
closing ceremonies.
Really?
Notify the athletes.
Cool.
Michael.
Yeah? Jim. Slim Jim.
What's goin'... What's goin' on?
Nothin'. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks. It's very cool.
It's, uh, three bedroom, gay-friendly.
Nice. You know.
Hey, would you mind comin' out here for a second?
I just have something for you.
Really?
What's this?
There are the closing ceremonies.
Step up.
W... Um...
You're on the top one.
Congratulations to Michael
because he closed on his condo.
So gold medal.
I don't really know what to say.
Um...
I'm not one for making speeches,
but, uh...
my heart is very full at this moment.
And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.
Get on up here, Dwight.
Silver medal.
Yep. Not as good as gold.
Why are you playing the national anthem?
Um, 'cause your condo's in America.
Oh.
What the hell is that?
Those are the doves.
All right!