Pam!
Pamela, Pam-a-lama-ding-dong.
Making copies.
- I'm not making any copies! - Let's go!
Messages, stat.
Lots to do, lots to do.
Information superhighway.
Nothing new. Lay them on moi. What?
There's nothing new.
That's not what you said earlier.
Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages
that I gave you before for the...
The most sacred thing I do is care.
And provide for my workers... my family.
I give them money, I give them food.
Not directly, but through the money.
I... heal them.
Today I am in charge
of picking a great new healthcare plan.
Right?
That's what this is all about.
Does that make me their doctor?
Um...
Yes.
In a way.
Yeah, like a specialist.
So which health plan have you decided on?
I am going to go with the best, Jan.
I am going to go with the one
with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage...
You know, the works.
Wait, acupuncture? Mm-hmm.
None of the plans have acupuncture.
Have you looked at them closely, Michael?
Oh, well, I think it was you
who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
The Gold Plan? Yep.
I'm not even on that plan.
Well, I'd recommend it. Michael...
It's very good.
You gotta crack these things open.
You know, the whole reason
that we're doing this is to save money.
So...
you just need to pick a provider,
and then choose the cheapest plan.
Well, that is a kind of a tough assignment.
Um, it's not gonna be a popular decision
- around the old orifice. - It's your job, so...
I... well, it's a suicide mission, you know?
- Michael... - I... I don't...
- Uh, maybe, I mean... - They're, they're...
You know, sometimes a manager, like yourself,
has to deliver the bad news to the employees.
I do it all the time.
Oh, pfff, when have you ever done that?
I'm doing it right now. To you.
Last night on Trading Spouses,
there's... have you seen it?
No, I have a life.
Interesting. What's that like?
You should try it some time.
Wow.
But then, who would watch my TV?
That's sort of, like a...
Jimbo!
Ha ha ha.
Ah.
There's a decision that needs to be made.
And I'm having an unbelievably busy day.
Um, so I am going to let you
pick a healthcare plan
for our office and then explain it to your coworkers.
Gosh.
Yeah!
- That is a great offer. - Yeesh.
Thank you.
I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just don't think that this is
the kind of task that I...
am going to do.
You know who would be great for this?
Anytime Michael asks me to do anything,
I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
Yes! I can do it.
I'm your man.
Right now,
this is just a job.
If I advance any higher
in this company, then this would be my career.
And uh...
Well, if this were my career,
I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Okay, first, let's go over some parameters.
How many people can I fire?
Uh... none.
You're picking a healthcare plan.
Okay, we'll table that for the time being.
Two, I'm gonna need an office.
I think the conference room should be fine.
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Yes! I have an office.
Bigger than his. No!
You cannot use it.
Okay, I take it back. It's a workspace.
Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Thank you.
If Dwight fails, then that is strike two.
And good for me for, uh,
for giving him a second chance.
And if he succeeds, then, you know,
no one'll be prouder than I am.
I groomed him.
I made him what he is today.
Unless he fails.
And, uh...
talked about that already.
What did I do?
I did my job.
I slashed benefits to the bone.
I saved this company money.
Was I too harsh? Maybe.
I don't believe in coddling people.
In the wild, there is no healthcare.
In the wild, healthcare is:
"Ow, I hurt my leg.
"I can't run. A lion eats me.
And I'm dead."
Well, I'm not dead.
I'm the lion.
You're dead.
There's no dental,
there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Where are you?
Oh, I am in my office.
I am swamped.
I have work up to my ears.
I'm busy, busy, busy. Busy, can't step away.
I just wanted to check in
and see how everybody's doing.
Everybody cool out there?
Um, actually,
people are really unhappy.
Um, Dwight sent around this memo, and...
Oh, Pam, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go.
I'm gettin' a call.
No, you're not.
I have to make a call after I finish my work.
You know what?
Um... just don't let anybody in my office
under any conditions today.
I'm just too busy, too swamped, you know?
I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Okay.
Thank you. Oh, got... here we go again.
Gotta go. I have to take this.
Still no one calling.
Dwight...
Uh, knock.
What is this... Please. Please knock.
This is an office.
- It says "workspace." - Same thing.
If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Just knock, please, okay?
A sign of respect for your superior.
You are not my superior.
Oh, gee, then why do I have an office?
I thought it was a workspace, Dwight. Okay.
Dwight, are you really in charge
of picking the healthcare plan?
Yes, and my decision is final.
This is a ridiculously awful plan,
because you cut everything.
Oh, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
You cut more than you had to, didn't you? Sure.
Well, why did you do that?
You work here. Don't you want good insurance?
Don't need it. Never been sick.
Perfect immune system.
Okay, well, if you've never been sick,
then you don't have any antibodies.
I don't need them.
Superior genes. I'm a Schrute.
And superior brain power.
Through concentration,
I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
So I can lower it.
He literally won't come out of his office.
He's gotta come out sometime.
To go to the bathroom.
Kevin.
That's inappropriate.
Michael, can I talk to you?
Uh, uh, I would love to,
but I am really busy.
Rain check?
Uh, Michael?
Michael, please.
Can we talk about this memo?
Uh, what... which, uh, which memo?
Dwight's healthcare memo. I told you about it.
- Good plan? - It's a great plan!
Saves the company a fortune.
It's like a pay decrease.
Michael, he made huge cuts.
Cuts? What?
Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Yeah. You said to go out and trim... No, no, no, no, no.
You know what?
I said nothing specific, because I was so busy.
Why don't you go in there, Dwight,
and find these people a plan that'll work for them, okay?
I can handle that.
Okay? All right.
Everybody feel good?
All right. Good.
Plus, there's some other good news.
Today, at the end of the day,
I will have, for all of you,
a big surprise.
Okay? So hang in there.
And I will see you at the end of the day.
All right?
This is not good.
It's ridiculous.
Did you talk to him?
What was that?
You let him walk all over you.
It's just pathetic.
What are you guys talking about?
Nothing, Kevin.
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell, no!
Doesn't matter.
The point is they're not unhappy anymore.
They're out there thinking,
"Wow, my boss really cares about me.
"He has a surprise. He's cool.
"Hey, what a great guy.
"I love him.
I... love him."
Okay, everyone, gather 'round.
Step forward.
It has been brought to my attention
that some of you are unhappy with my plan.
So what I'd like you to do
is to fill this out,
and write down any diseases you have
that you might want covered,
and I'll see what I can do.
Hey, you know what, Dwight?
We can't write our diseases down for you,
- because that's confidential. - Okay.
Well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I?
Fill it out, leave it anonymous.
Or don't write any disease down at all,
and it won't be covered.
Sound fair? Good. All right, I'll be in my office.
Workspace.
You know what? Come with me.
We are going on a little mission.
Operation Surprise.
Where are you going?
Um...
headed out, part of my busy day.
You know, meetings.
Couldn't find the knob.
So basically, I want to do
something nice for my employees.
Atlantic City, okay?
They have this thing
where they send a bus, right, for free.
Picks everybody up, you head down there,
get to the hotel, room is comped,
and they give you a big pile of chips.
And your food, everything,
just kind of all inclusive, free kind of weekend.
I don't know of anything like that.
But, um, you know what you might want to do
is just call those casinos directly, uh, maybe...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I did. So.
Wait, what are you writing?
Don't write "Ebola" or "mad cow disease".
All right?
'Cause I'm suffering from both of them.
I'm inventing new diseases.
- Oh great. - SO, like,
let's say that my teeth turn to liquid. Mm-hmm.
And then they drip down the back of my throat.
What would you call that? I thought you said you were inventing diseases.
That's spontaneous dento-hydroplosion.
- Nice. - Thank you.
Calling to ask you
a little favorooni, my friend.
Um, trying to give the troops around here
a little bit of a boost.
And I was thinking that maybe we could
take 'em down to take a spin on your big ride.
You mean the elevator
that takes you down into the mineshaft?
It's not really a ride.
Uh, it says here that it's a...
a 300-foot drop.
Well, it goes 300 feet in the earth,
but it moves really slowly.
So it's not a free fall?
It's an industrial coal elevator.
Uh...
All right, well, once you get down into the mine,
what do you... you got laser tag or something?
Okay, okay, so I don't know what the surprise is.
Am I worried? No.
No way. And see, I thrive on this.
This is my world. This is improv.
This is Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Damn it!
All right. Who did this?
I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it,
so I can punish them.
What are you talking about?
Uh, someone, uh, forged medical information,
and that is a felony.
Okay, whoa.
All right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation.
Yeah. How do you know that they're fake?
Uh, leprosy.
Flesh-eating bacteria.
Hot dog fingers.
Government-created killer nano-robot infection.
You did this, didn't you? Absolutely not.
- Yes, you did. - No I didn't.
I know it was you. Okay, fine, you know what?
I'm gonna have to interview each and every one of you
until the perpetrator makes him or herself known.
And until that time,
there will be no healthcare coverage for anyone!
Killer nano-robots?
It's an epidemic.
- The problem, Jim... - Mm-hmm...
is that people who are really suffering
from a medical condition
won't receive the care they need,
because someone in this office
is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff.
Count Choculitis.
Sounds tough.
Why did you write that down, Jim?
Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Do you?
I think you need to confess.
- Mm-hmm. - The fact...
- Yep. - What are you doing?
- What? - Those are my keys.
- Good luck. - Wha... Jim!
Damn it! No!
Jim, let me out!
Jim! Let...
The light gray, the green...
Jim Halpert.
- Let me out. - Who is that?
Let me out, or you're fired.
No. You can't fire me.
Yes, I can. I'm manager for the day.
- Mm-hmmm. - Clean out your desk.
Okay.
Can you hold on one second?
I'm getting a, uh, beep.
Jim Halpert.
Hey, Jim, it's Pam.
Hey, Pam. How are ya?
Good, how are you? Are you busy?
Jim, open the door!
I'm doing okay.
Gettin' excited for the weekend, though.
Yeah. Yeah, what are you up to?
Um, I'm not bothering you, am I? No, not at all.
You don't have anything you're doing?
- I have nothing to do. - Oh, great.
Jim! Um, yeah, no, this weekend, nothing.
I'm not really doing anything. Jim!
- Might go to the mall. - The mall?
- I need new shoes. - Oh, interesting.
What kind of shoes?
Hello?
Uh, hello, uh...
this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levinson Gould.
This is Jan.
Hi, Dwight Schrute calling,
acting manager, Scranton branch.
Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Who is this?
Dwight Schrute.
From sales?
- Well... - Where's Michael Scott?
Uh, he is not here right now.
He put me in charge of the office.
Dwight, listen to me very carefully.
You are not a manager of anything, understand?
That's not entirely true,
because he put me in charge
of picking a healthcare plan.
Really?
- Yeah. - Okay.
When Michael gets back,
you tell him to call me immediately.
Call you immediately. Good. Yes.
Oh, hey, listen.
Um, since I have you on the phone, um...
can I fire Jim?
No.
And, please, don't use my cell phone ever again.
Oh is this your...
I thought this was your...
Hey, hey, everybody.
Ice cream sandwiches! Ahh!
Here you go. Take one, take one.
It's all good. Phyllis, think fast!
Ya bum! Oh, oh, I see Angela.
Right? Angela, wahh!
Hey, temp.
Why don't you take two?
Because you don't get healthcare
and, uh, faster metabolism.
Did you get the kind with the cookies instead of the...
Why don't you just eat it, okay?
And here you go, Stanley the manly. Oh, thanks.
There you go. This isn't the big surprise, is it?
Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Uh... nope. Nope.
This isn't the surprise.
It's surprising, um, because you didn't expect it.
But you will... you'll know it when you see it.
Michael!
Oh, for God's sake.
I tried being rational.
Okay? And what happened?
The employees went crazy.
I got no help from corporate.
So that leaves me with no options.
I'm now gonna read aloud
your submitted medical conditions.
When you hear yours read, please raise your hand
to indicate that it is real.
If you do not raise your hand,
it will not be covered.
What about confidentiality?
You know what?
You have forfeited that privilege.
I have tried to treat you all as adults,
but obviously, I am the only adult here.
Number one. Inverted penis.
Could you mean vagina?
Because if you do, I want that covered.
I thought your vagina was removed
during your hysterectomy.
The uterus is different from a vagina.
I still have a vagina.
Ohh, my...
Okay. Great.
Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela.
I'll make sure that's covered.
Okay, now, who wrote this... this hysterical one?
Anal fissures.
That's a real thing.
Yeah, but no one here has it.
Someone has it.
You think we should go?
I don't know, Kevin. I mean, this is important.
I don't want... There he is.
What is he doing?
I don't know.
Well?
Well, what?
You could be referring to anything.
Okay. The healthcare plan.
Why did you put Dwight in charge of that?
He did a horrible job.
Uh, Dwight?
Did you raise benefits?
I most certainly did not.
Oh, come on! That's horrible.
Ohh!
Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan.
Damn!
Ohh! Mm!
I wish I had time to change it, but...
Jan needs it by 5:00, and...
What time is it, what time is it?
Oh, it's after 5:00. I... ohh.
Oh, it's awful!
So, well...
Okay. See you guys, uh, on Monday.
What about the surprise?
Oh, yes. Exactly.
Thank you, Angela, for reminding me.
Terrific. Um...
Before I tell everybody what the big surprise is,
would you like to tell me
what you think the big surprise is?
We all think you don't have a surprise.
All right.
I have some news for ya.
There is a big surprise.
And...
Here it is. Here we go.
And...
The big surprise is...
Drum roll!
When I am backed into a corner,
that is when I come alive.
See, I learned improv from the greats,
like, um...
Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
Yeah! Ahh!
This...
Robin Williams, oh, man.
Would I love to go head-to-head with him.
Oh, ho ho! That would be exciting.
Hi, oh, I'm Mork from Ork.
Well, I'm... I'm Bork from Smork.
Nanoo nanoo.
Jibbly bloo bloo!
Oh, um...
Jan wants you to call her.