[GASPS]
Oh, my God, it's happened!
They found Tupac!
No, Eddie, you're... shaving.
Oh. Yeah.
Some girls at school started calling me "Cheech,"
so I figured it was time to...
"Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it.
And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son."
[WHISPERING] Rudyard Kipling.
- Dad, what are you... - Shh. I'm hugging you.
Why?
[NORMAL VOICE] Because today is the day
you stop being a boy and start being a man.
♪ Yeah ♪
Take a lip.
When your mom and I found out we were having a baby boy,
you know the first thing I did?
Cried in the car listening to James Taylor.
Mom already told me.
No, I drove to the drugstore and bought two things...
A roll of celebratory Mentos for myself
and a Gillette Atra Plus for you.
Eddie, I've kept that razor in my closet for 14 years
waiting for the day you would need to use it.
Today is that day!
Wow, Dad, I guess this is a big moment for me.
I'm glad you're here for it.
Me, too.
I'll go get your Atra.
And, uh, let's put this where it belongs.
[CHUCKLES]
Nah. He's so happy.
I'm gonna let him have this.
S04E14 A Man to Share the Night With
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com
[]
[] Spectacular.
ANNOUNCER: And at the end of the first night
of the Women's Figure Skating event,
it's Michelle Kwan first, Tara Lipinski second.
- Ohh, yes! - Yes! Yes!
See, boys, it's just like I'm always telling you...
If you work hard, sacrifice everything,
and look good in a tight bun, you can't lose.
Michelle Kwan is the proof.
Really, Mom? Lipinski?
Tara Lipinski is too busy flirting with boys
and wiping tater-tot grease on her leotard.
I mean, look at her face.
Does that look like the face of a winner to you?
No.
EVAN: Mommy's right.
Lipinski lacks the self-discipline
that's made Michelle Kwan a champion.
The gold is as good as hers.
Can we skip school tomorrow and watch her win in real time?
No skipping school!
But I'll tape it, and you can watch it when you get home.
Now it's bedtime.
You need to get your rest so you can grow up
to be small and poised like Michelle Kwan.
I heard she gets nine hours a night.
If we hurry, we can make it!
And after the 11:00 news,
it's "The Late Show With David Letterman"!
Ha! All right!
Ohh, pass.
Louis, you can stay up and watch that old man
and his piano gremlin, but I'm going to bed.
You, too, Eddie. Bedtime.
Tonight Dave welcomes supermodel Cindy Crawford.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Good night, Dad.
Uh, wait.
Why don't you stay up and watch with me tonight?
But my bedtime's 10:45.
Well, you're shaving. You're a man now.
Maybe it's time you had a man's bedtime.
From now on, you can stay up
for the first guest on "Letterman," until 11:45.
I think you've earned a little independence.
Whoa! Are you serious?
Men are always serious.
[CHUCKLES] Being a man is awesome.
Do you think Dave will ask Cindy Crawford about her mole?
He might, son. He just might.
And then Letterman asked Cindy Crawford about her mole.
Whoa!
I can't believe your dad let you stay up till 11:45.
I wonder when my dad goes to sleep...
or where.
My dad makes me go to bed halfway through
"Walker, Texas Ranger."
And that's on a Saturday!
So you never find out if Walker catches the bad guy?
It's Walker, Brian! He catches the bad guy!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[GROANS]
Finally.
I have been waiting for someone else
to have a late bedtime forever.
- What's your bedtime? - Don't have one.
My mom works the night shift at the Cheesecake Factory,
so I just go to bed whenever I feel like it.
Also, if somebody sends their cheesecake back,
my mom brings it home, and we eat it for breakfast.
Cool!
So, what do you do all night?
I ride my bike around the outdoor mall
and eat the stale doughnuts
Donut King throws away at closing.
Hold up. You're telling me I've been sleeping through
free doughnuts this whole time?
Doughnuts, bagels.
Sometimes you just get a whole vat of glaze.
ANNOUNCER: In a stunning upset,
Tara Lipinski leaps over Michelle Kwan to win the gold!
Michelle Kwan... lost.
How could this happen?
She was supposed to win!
How could she not win?
She did everything right!
Evan and Emery believe in Michelle Kwan the winner.
If they find out that they can work that hard
and still come in second, they'll never work hard again.
You know, that's a really good idea.
I do control what they watch.
So if I don't want them to know, then they won't know.
We're ready to watch the...
[SCREAMS]
What happened to the tape?
Technical difficulties.
A mouse was living inside the VCR
and it ate the tape and then it died.
Was it a boy mouse or a girl mouse?
Who cares? How did Michelle do?
She won!
- Yes! - Yes!
Whoo! She did it!
- I knew she could! - Whoo!
Hey, Eddie.
Which popcorn do you want for "Letterman"?
Butter or movie theater butter?
Eddie?
Okay, top 10 reasons you should answer your father.
Number 10...
[DOOR CLOSES] Where were you?
Oh, out with Dave.
On a school night? Are you crazy?
What were the two of you doing?
Nothing. Just hanging out.
Oh, she's gorgeous.
Where do you think she's getting ready to go?
Dancing, probably.
Classic girls like that are always going dancing.
I wish I had a girl like that.
That's not a girl.
That's a woman.
"Just hanging out"?
It's almost midnight.
Well, you said my bedtime was 11:45.
It's 11:40. I still have five minutes.
No, I said you could stay up
to watch the first guest on "Letterman,"
not run around the streets
doing God knows what with your friends.
But you said I'd earned a little independence.
This is not what I meant.
Well, I hope whatever you were doing was worth it
because you missed Dave interviewing Andie MacDowell.
So? I'll just watch it tomorrow.
Andie MacDowell is not going to be on tomorrow.
I don't care about Andie MacDowell!
Clearly we're both tired and saying things we don't mean.
Let's just go to bed,
and we'll talk about this in the morning.
No!
We will not talk about this in the morning
because I didn't do anything wrong!
You can't talk to me like that.
Why not? You said I'm a man, remember?
Maybe it's time you started treating me like one.
Oh, this is interesting.
Michelle Kwan tried to start a band.
Third Eye Kwan?
That's in this book, too.
She's so talented.
I just wish the TV and the VCR weren't broken
so we could watch a replay of her winning.
I can't believe we still haven't seen it.
It's also unfortunate that all the newspapers on the street
have been stolen by a news thief.
USA! USA!
[LAUGHS]
Can you guys believe she won gold?
It's exciting, right?
I know. Michelle Kwan's our hero.
Michelle Kwan? No.
Tara Lipinski won gold.
[CHUCKLES] Michelle Kwan came in second.
That's why they're doing a special
on Lipinski cuts at the mall.
No, Honey. Michelle Kwan won. Right, Mom?
Boys... [SIGHS]
The truth is...
Michelle Kwan didn't win.
[GASPS]
Because that wasn't the real Michelle Kwan!
- [GASPS] - What?
The real Michelle Kwan has been replaced by an imposter!
- What? - Think about it.
She trains hard her whole life.
She wins the world championships.
Then she goes to the Olympics and comes in second place?
It doesn't add up.
Has "Lipinski" written all over it.
The point is the fake Kwan lost.
The real Kwan will always be the best.
Let's never speak of this again.
I can't believe it.
A fake Michelle Kwan.
- What do we do? - What would Michelle do?
Use her focus and determination to get to the bottom of it?
Then we will, too.
We'll be like Woodward and Bernstein.
Or Chip 'n Dale!
Do you think Jessica's coming back?
He missed Andie MacDowell, huh?
- [SIGHS] - She's a ruddy-cheeked delight.
And he wouldn't apologize!
[GROANS] I don't know what's gotten into him lately.
Sure, he and Jessica clash a lot,
but Eddie and I have always been pals.
He's never been so openly defiant to me before.
How old's the boy? 9? 10?
He's 14, Marvin.
Ah, 14.
Then that explains it.
It does?
Classic male adolescent elephant power vacuum.
- Huh? - Follow me, Lou.
There's something you need to see.
Now we're cooking with Crisco! [LAUGHS]
Ah! I was stationed in Africa,
overseeing the construction of the railway
from Mombasa to Kisumu.
The railway?
How old are you?
Old enough to know what you're going through.
Look.
Adolescent male elephants.
Now, see, when the herd lacks a strong older male presence,
the young males become unruly and defiant, even violent.
See... See them shaking their heads and trumpeting?
That means they're angry.
Why didn't you run away? They could have trampled you.
Because running away is what they want,
and it's the worst thing you can do.
He's so used to getting his own way
that when you show confidence and stand your own ground,
he's surprised.
He'll back down.
Watch.
- Wow. It worked. - [LAUGHING] Yeah!
And it'll work for you and Eddie, too.
You've been too soft on that boy, Lou.
I don't know.
My dad was extremely tough on me when I was Eddie's age,
and our relationship never recovered.
Eddie and I aren't like that. We're friends.
Okay, so maybe your dad wasn't your best friend,
but look how you turned out.
You're a very successful small-business owner
with your own home, great family.
Fathers can't be friends with their sons.
Not if they want them to grow up to be responsible adults.
So, what do I do?
Well, you have to be the angry bull elephant.
Only discipline can bring the herd back together.
What's going on?
We did some research at the library
on your Kwan-impostor theory.
Okay, look, I was just...
And you were absolutely right!
Emery, let's bring her up to speed.
Michelle Kwan wins the 1998 world championships
with 15 perfect 6.0s,
leaving one judge in tears.
She's the favorite for the gold medal in the Winter Olympics.
Then things start getting fishy.
She arrives in Japan but processes through Tokyo
instead of Osaka with all the other athletes.
Right, yeah. That's... That's weird.
Nobody sees Michelle Kwan at the Olympic Village
because... get this... She's staying "off site."
Next, she misses the Opening Ceremony.
She works her whole life to get to the Olympics
and then doesn't go to the Opening Ceremony?
It doesn't add up.
No, it doesn't, actually.
The night before the event, nobody sees Michelle Kwan.
Where's Tara Lipinski, on the other hand?
In bed getting a full eight hours?
With Wayne Gretzky and the Canadian Ice Hokey team
eating ice cream!
Like she knew she couldn't lose.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
And Michelle Kwan was photographed
at her hotel at 9:30 a.m.,
15 minutes before she was seen at the Olympic arena...
A distance of 34 miles.
So?
So, I just drove from here
to the Sea World parking lot as fast as I could.
It's exactly 34 miles.
It took me way longer than 15 minutes,
and I didn't even stop for red lights.
Rearrange the letters in "Tara Lipinski,"
and what do you get?
Tarantula Kiss!
Rink Alias?
It's like she's daring us to catch her.
Michelle Kwan really was replaced by an imposter.
Unfortunately, it's just a theory.
Nobody knows for sure.
Actually, I know someone who might.
I used to do makeup for
the Broadway on Ice production of "Cats" years ago,
and there is one figure skater who knows
everything that goes on with everyone in that world.
If something fishy happened in Nagano,
she'll know about it.
Okay, so it's 10:30 now.
I figure we head to the outdoor mall for an hour or so
and then ride our bikes from the Big Dog outlet to the Wet Seal.
I have a better idea.
We steal her.
- Who? - Her. The girl from the window.
The mannequin?
It hit me the other night.
What if the place she's been getting ready to go
all this time is my house?
I don't know, Dave.
That's, like, breaking and entering.
So? It'll be fun!
You said you'd love to have a girl like her.
Remember? You said it.
Come on, Eddie. Say you'll help me.
Come on. Say it.
- I don't know. - Say it!
Uh, sure. Sounds like fun.
Great.
Now let's listen to a little GWAR to pump ourselves up.
[GWAR MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]
[MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES]
Discipline will bring the herd back together.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Not cool, Dave. My parents are asleep.
Eddie, you may be taller than me now, slightly,
but I am still your father.
And when you go out,
I want to know where you're going,
who you're with, and when you'll be back.
No more doing whatever you want,
and no more talking back, either.
Otherwise, you won't be going anywhere.
Do we understand each other?
Screw... you!
[GASPS]
That's it, Eddie. You're grounded!
- I think I'm gonna go. - Good idea.
I don't know what's gotten into you lately,
but this behavior stops now.
I thought we could get through this as friends,
but clearly I was wrong.
So from now on, we do things the hard way.
No more TV. No more video games!
Thanks, Dad.
What are you doing?
I'm hugging you.
Why?
I knew that if I talked back to you like that,
you'd be so shocked you'd ground me,
and I wouldn't have to help Dave steal that sexy mannequin.
Help Dave do what?
It was his idea to steal it, and it's crazy.
I didn't want to do it.
But I-I didn't know how to tell him.
He's been... intense lately.
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, you want to see something cool?
Sure. [MUSIC STOPS]
I'm gonna bust open this Stretch Armstrong
with a baseball bat.
Um...
[SCREAMS]
No, you don't have a dad!
So, you're not the adolescent elephant.
Dave is.
Dad, you're all over the place.
What do you mean?
First, you made a big deal out of me shaving.
Then you let me stay up later.
Then you got mad at me for staying up later.
And now you're talking about elephants.
I'm sorry.
I was just excited for you to become a man
because I thought that would mean
us spending more time together.
Then you decided to spend your extra hour
with Dave instead of me.
So you're upset because I didn't stay home
and watch "Letterman" with you.
Look, I just don't want us to grow apart
because that's what happened with me and my dad.
Just because I want to do something on my own
doesn't mean I don't still need you, Dad.
You and I are friends.
I'm always gonna need that.
[CHUCKLES]
Wait, you and Dave haven't stolen anything else, have you?
No way!
I know a good idea from a bad one.
I'm lucky to have you around to teach me stuff like that.
Not everyone's that lucky.
So, whatcha waitin' for, Chief? [GIGGLES]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
LOUIS: Stop!
[GARBLED] Yeah. Stop.
Now, why don't you put the brick down, Dave,
and we can talk about this?
MARVIN: He's so used to getting his way
that when he sees you showing confidence
and standing your ground, he'll back down.
Dave, you cut this behavior out right this minute.
Do you hear me?
I'm going to give you to the count of three
to put the brick down and to step away from the mannequin.
One...
Two...
Whoa. Good work, Dad.
Grab that brick. We need a doorstop.
Uh, okay.
Go. Go.
JESSICA: Excuse me.
Excuse me. Out of the way.
Coming through.
Oh!
Hello, Nancy Kerrigan.
Thanks for the enthusiasm.
It's nice to meet you. Who can I make this out to?
Is it true Tara Lipinski replaced Michelle Kwan
with an impostor so she could steal the gold?
Uh, well, that's quite a lot.
How about, "Believe in yourself"?
What we really need, Nancy, is answers.
Is it true?
What makes you think I know?
Because you're the hub of
the professional ice-skating world, Kerrigan.
You know everything that goes on.
- Hi. Honey Ellis. - Hi.
I did your makeup when you played
Grizabella the Glamour Cat in Broadway on Ice.
- Big fan. - Oh, right.
Weren't you dating one of the lighting technicians?
Yes! It didn't work out.
Of course it didn't. So, is it true?
Tell me what you think you know.
Tara Lipinski replaced the real Michelle Kwan
with a slightly less talented body double.
That's why the fake Michelle Kwan
flew into Tokyo, instead of Osaka.
That's why she missed the Opening Ceremonies.
And that's why she was kept "off site."
Look, Michelle flew into Tokyo
because her pen pal Gabby lives there
and offered to drive her from the airport.
Also, flights are way cheaper if she left mid-week,
and if you know Michelle, she likes a bargain.
So that's why she missed the Opening Ceremonies.
Also, she didn't stay in the Olympic Village
because the Men's Ice Hockey team throws really loud parties,
and that's why she got a hotel.
But what about getting from the hotel to the Olympic arena?
- Mm-hmm. - She was photographed at the hotel
15 minutes before her event.
There's no way she could make it in 15 minutes.
That wasn't Michelle at the hotel that morning.
That was her sister, Karen.
They look alike.
Michelle didn't even stay at the hotel
the night before the event.
She didn't? Where did she stay?
Where she always stays the night before a big event...
On the ice.
- Oh! - Oh...
That's what I would do.
But that couldn't have been the real Michelle Kwan.
But it was.
Michelle Kwan trained her whole life to win gold.
She sacrificed everything.
How could she possibly come in second place?
Sometimes life isn't fair.
Believe me. I know all about that.
And crazy conspiracies.
You can work really hard, do everything right,
and sometimes life just throws you a Lipinski.
You just have to pick yourself back up and keep on skating.
Thanks for coming out.
Appreciate it.
I like your Kerribun.
Oh, it's not... It... Thank you.
Jessica, are you okay?
No, I'm not.
Everything I know...
Everything I've taught my children...
My whole worldview is wrong.
[GASPS] Wait. Mommy, look!
So Tara Lipinski did replace Michelle Kwan with an impostor!
I knew it!
There's no way somebody who works that hard
comes in second place.
It just isn't possible.
You know, your Sharpie is slightly thinner than hers.
It worked, didn't it?
The truth that Michelle Kwan did everything right
and still lost would crush mom.
She needs to believe.
You know what, you go ahead.
I'm gonna stick around for this.
Hmm.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Dave welcomes the cast of "Baywatch."
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
I'm gonna go grab a soda.
Uh, no soda after 9:00 p.m.
Okay, Mr. Huang.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, how about, just for tonight,
I let you boys stay up to watch the musical guest?
With musical guest Paula Cole!
Nah, we're good.
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com