Thanks again for the ride, boss.
Hmm. I'm not usually heading home this early,
but the kids are on spring break,
so I'm gonna surprise them with some bonus family time.
I surprised my Aunt Rosa with some bonus family time
when your wife had me deported.
Oh, uh, right.
Well, luckily, this ride has us even.
What the...
♪ Sittin' on chrome ♪
♪ Sittin' on... ♪
Move it, molasses! Hector, that's my mother!
Oh, sorry. Uh, she seems cool.
Ma. Ma!
Since when do you go out of the house by yourself?
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
I was on my way home from work early,
and guess what I saw.
Marvin on the lawn doing shirtless push-ups?
What? No.
You've seen that before?
Mm-hmm. Put a pin in that.
I saw my mom riding her wheelchair all by herself.
I tried to drive alongside her,
but then she cut into a yard and ditched me.
Oh, yeah. She's been going out for a few weeks now.
You knew? Of course!
It's been great having an extra set of wheels in the house.
She goes shopping, takes herself to Mahjong, the nail parlor.
Grandma says nails are the eyelashes of the hand.
I've had so much more free time, I'm doing some spring cleaning.
Did you notice that our junk drawer was organized?
Where'd all the little mustards go?
I squeezed them all into a bottle,
and now we have big mustard.
I'm throwing away all the trash
and gathering all the good stuff
we don't use anymore for a yard sale.
I use all my hairnets still.
There you are.
Ma, we need to talk about you going out alone.
I don't like this one bit. It's not safe.
She hasn't gone out on her own in this country.
All the English she knows is from Garfield comics.
That's not true.
She also says "Norm" any time a stranger walks into Cattleman's.
She's a menace in that chair.
Do you remember the first time she got it?
No one was safe.
♪
She had a bit of a learning curve, but she's much better.
Louis, she's fine.
She's a grown woman.
Yeah, but she's all by herself.
She always had someone to take care of her before.
See, this is why we voted not to tell you.
Voted? Who voted?
Everyone who lives in this house who isn't you.
Evan made stove-top s'mores.
You know, I saw the graham-cracker box in the trash
and I thought, "No, they wouldn't do that to me."
Evan, do you have an old T-shirt I can borrow?
Mom threw out all my do-rags in her cleaning frenzy.
I can't hoop without my rag.
The only T-shirts I own are the ones
Dad brought us back from beef conventions.
I have an XXL that says "Down With Salad," if you want it.
My dad never brought me anything.
Save the anger for the court, man.
Are you doing homework?
It's spring break, you nerd.
It's not homework, and I don't have time for ribbing.
I'm working on a business enterprise.
What is it, making little hats for Beanie...
Holy crap. Is this your bank statement?
I take care of our neighbors' houses when they go out of town.
Feed the cat, get the mail, that kind of stuff.
And it's spring break, my busy season, so...
You're making $400 this week?
Yo, cut me in.
No way. You're unreliable.
You know I'm amazing at the things
I actually care about, right?
I love the ladies... I got a lady.
I love clothes... I've got a closet full.
I love rap... I got four tracks
in my head right now ready to lay down.
And I love business.
Oh, really?
Who was on the cover of the last Forbes?
I'm not talking about a loaf of bread in a suit.
I'm talking real businessmen...
Puffy, Dre, Russell Simmons.
They run empires.
Well, I could use some help.
Trust me, you won't regret this.
♪
Whoa. That's some grip.
Scoop enough cat litter, and you'll be right up here with me.
What are you...
That's my Spell & Say!
my Connect Four, my Purple Pieman.
You can't sell this stuff. I still play with it.
Really?
Party on, Garth.
Aww, from "Wayne's World."
1992.
Five years ago.
Your room was full of stuff you don't use anymore.
Also, I gathered two bags of just garbage.
None of this is garbage.
This is a 7-Up can Kim gave me.
She was the first girl who liked me
when we moved to Orlando.
And this is from the time I told a joke
and Eddie spit-laughed spaghetti all over me.
It was a great joke about a pig.
Emery, even if you had room to keep all this stuff,
what are you gonna do with it?
♪
PopPop, PopPop,
tell us the story of the 7-Up can again.
Gather round. Listen to my tale.
It was from Kim, the first girl in Orlando who ever liked me.
Wow!
That's your idea of the future?
Why are there still chairs?
Where were our alien captors?
Um... You can't keep everything.
Fill this box with the things you want to keep.
The rest goes.
This is a really nice box.
Oh, no.
Oh, darn. Oh, just darn.
Our insurance isn't going to cover your chair anymore.
It's all in this very formal, professional letter we got.
Business letter template.
Get out of here, Clippy. You don't know what I'm doing.
Fine. Stay if you want. It'll be boring.
Luckily, I managed to rescue your old chair
before Jessica tagged it for the yard sale.
Guess it's back to Old Faithful for you.
Just give me your list, and I'll go after work tomorrow.
Luckily, you raised a sweet and dutiful son.
♪
So much sodium.
How is she still alive?
Maybe that's how she's still alive.
Ma! What are you doing? You're an uninsured driver.
This one's on you, Clippy.
♪
Ooh, careful.
Ma may be particular about keeping those.
Wait. I'll give you a ride.
Louis, she's almost 70 years old.
You can't stop her from going out.
Well, I might not be able to stop her,
but she can't stop me, either.
♪
Mahjong!
Nice play, Ma.
You brought your son along?
I'm not.
I'm just here waiting for a seat to open up
at the Go Fish table.
Hey, John.
Go fish.
Ooh!
Hmm.
♪
How's the sorting going?
Great. I chose all my "must keep" items.
You were right.
It really feels good to get rid of stuff.
You see, that's the virtue of a clean living space.
No, don't sit there!
Emery.
You didn't get rid of anything?
I'm sorry. I tried.
I just can't.
We need to nip this in the bud before you become a hoarder.
And then I can't even visit you because your door is blocked
by newspaper piles and margarine jars.
I'll crawl out the window. We'll find a way to visit.
Okay, we're gonna go through your things together,
and we're gonna decide what goes and what stays.
What's in that one?
Is this hair?
It's from Evan's first haircut in Orlando.
It's the last of his Washington hairs.
Every house sitter measures an orchid's height,
but I go the extra mile by noting the lean angle.
Evan, we've been here for hours.
We got the mail, brought in the trash cans,
cleaned the kitty litter, played with the cat,
lost the cat, found the cat again.
We're almost done with morning rounds.
We just need to compile a report
and fax it to the homeowners at their hotel.
What?
Who wants to read that when they're on vacation?
72-degree lean! Ah!
"Let's go on vacation," she said.
"It will be good to see what we're like
away from the orchids," she said.
Grow up.
The level of service I provide is why I get $10 a day
for every house... $5 for you, $5 for me.
You're lucky I'm the kind of boss who pays during training.
Now, let's talk bird maintenance.
Three things you need to know about Patsy...
She's vain, she's sensitive, and she's slow to trust.
That's why we have to approach her cage very slowly,
whispering "Pretty bird!
Pretty..."
Peck!
Patsy just pecked your eye out for laughing.
Jenny, is this seat saved?
Warren? Who's Warren?
Cutest old man I've ever seen.
Everyone's pills digested?
You know it. Yeah.
Chablis, Ma? You're driving.
Good thing I was here.
Of course.
Uh, chamomile or...
Ma?
She said she had to ditch the buzzkill.
To who?
In what language?
Well, Devon, I guess I'm rotating the orchids alone.
Dave? Where's Eddie?
He hired me to take care of all this stuff with you.
He's giving me $2 a house.
He's what?
No. What?
Don't worry. I have an amazing work ethic from raising myself.
Chris Mullin got a cup?
I can't believe you ditched me!
That's it.
From now on, I forbid you from going out on your own!
Hello. I'm here to pick up Jenny for our date.
So cute.
Just, uh, have her home by 6:00.
6:15.
And this votive candle was burning
the first time I met Mitch.
So many Mitch memories.
Okay, well, this broken chopstick can definitely go.
'Fraid not. It's from the first take-out meal
we got when we moved here.
Remember, you were so mad the Chinese restaurant
sent a white delivery guy?
They can't find one Asian person to give the job to?
Well, there's obviously no way we can get rid of it now.
It's double memories.
Emery, you didn't do this back in D.C.
Why did you start keeping stuff when we moved here?
I don't know.
I guess it was kind of a hard time for me.
But I thought things were perfect for you when we moved here.
I didn't want to say anything.
You guys had to worry about the restaurant
and Eddie and your hair adjusting to the humidity.
For the record, it still hasn't adjusted.
I mean, I know it looks good now,
but it looked better before.
But it was a big change for me, too.
I didn't keep any memories from my life in D.C.
I packed a few things, but they were in that box
with all of Dad's cutoff jean shorts that got lost.
Yes, they're still looking for that box.
Now I'm starting to forget what it was like there.
And I don't want that to happen to me here.
Emery, I want you to promise me that you'll always tell me
if you're having a tough time,
no matter how bad my hair looks.
And I promise that we'll find a way
for you to keep your memories.
Thanks, Mom.
Now, is this the only memory you have of me?
I'm your mother.
You better have a comb, a birthday card,
seeds of a watermelon I ate, something.
She must have lost her key.
Ma, you were supposed to be home an hour ago.
Warren? Where's my mother?
I, uh...
I lost her.
What do you mean you lost her?
Well, I was hoping she'd be here.
She asked me to get her a tea,
and when I came back, she was gone.
That's her move.
Maybe she's with her salsa-class friends?
Salsa class?
The food or the dance?
I can't remember.
Don't... Don't worry.
I'll find her, I promise.
Jenny?
Here, Jenny!
Jenny!
Corporal Bryson, it's Louis Huang.
I'm sorry, Louis. Haven't seen Eddie tonight.
No, it's my mother. She's lost.
She's by herself after dark.
Hold on.
Ma?
Greenie's.
Don't move. I'm on my way.
I can't believe her.
I've been trying to get her to try Greenie's for years.
Emery, I know we're trying to get rid of stuff,
but is there room in here for a great idea?
What if we take pictures of all your things?
That way you keep the memory but less of the garbage...
I mean, priceless mementos.
♪
And that's how your Great-Grandma Jessica
made me photo albums so I wouldn't have so much clutter.
Wow!
Are you almost done?
Our alien captors need us in the work camps by 3:00.
Yeah, let's do it.
This is the marble I was holding
when my mom came up with an amazing plan.
Dave?
Yeah, he's one of my guys.
We had a deal, Eddie.
Whoa, whoa. Relax.
Sit down. Have some of my sando.
No. And please don't disrespect us
by shortening the word "sandwich."
I hired you to do that job.
You can't just hire someone else and pocket the profit.
I'm sorry, brother, but that's business.
People do it all the time.
Do you think Diddy writes his own raps?
No, he has Ma$e do it.
Pays him $200 and makes $30 million.
A good businessman values his own time, right?
I hate it when your logic makes sense.
I know. Everyone does.
Want my pepperoncini?
Yes.
Ma, thank God you're okay.
I'm glad you're here.
She doesn't understand anything I say.
I was so worried about you. I even called the police.
I never clicked back to Bryson.
Hey, Bryson, isn't your shift done?
Yeah, I'm just waiting for Louis to click back over.
It's been a while,
but I know my boy Lou would never leave me hanging.
He'll figure it out. He's a cop.
The point is, you can't just go out by yourself
after dark with strange men.
You had to call me for help.
Now do you see how dangerous it is
going out in this thing alone?
I knew it was that kind of salsa.
I see you can rent your own movies now.
Ma, I don't ever want you to feel stuck.
All I want is for you to be happy.
But what if the next time you need help, I'm not around?
Will you at least let me drive you back?
What? This is my regular pace.
I have poor night vision.
♪ Rhythm is gonna get ya ♪
♪ Rhythm is gonna get you ♪
♪ The rhythm is gonna get you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
I have a present for you.
Hmm.
Oh!
Now if you get into trouble again,
you can call me from anywhere.
Norm!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Cellies in the mix now?
Cut me in on that family plan.
I'll pay for it myself.
I'm making mad dollars with Evan.
Come on, Mom.
Actually, I've been thinking about the advice you gave me
about valuing my time, and it was good.
You a good at business.
Y'all know it.
So, you're fired.
I've cut out the middleman and hired Dave myself.
You're lying. My boy Dave would never do me like that.
Good news, boss.
Guess how many buds I counted
on Deidre's orchid.
Three? Four, dawg.
Empires rise, empires fall.
Dave has an amazing work ethic,
plus his mom has a fax machine, so bye-bye Kinko's fees.
She likes to drink Campari
and fax David Letterman Top 10 lists.
Captions by VITA...