♪
Evan, that's too much soy milk.
We both know where this leads.
You add too much milk, then you'll add more cereal.
Then you'll need more milk, and where does it end?
But dry Alpha-Bits taste gross.
When I was your age,
I had to soften my cereal with rainwater.
Emery, you only need one comb!
But they all have a specific use.
Pick one!
Pick?
Oh, no.
Eddie, stop reading that trash.
How does she always know?
If I have to come in there, it's gonna be worse for you.
But I'm reading about King Crawdad's amazing backstory!
He's also a deacon.
♪ Fresh off the boat
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin'
♪ I'm fresh off the boat
The apples in here are for you, not your teachers.
Their lives are easy enough without also getting free food.
Mom, did you remember to... Yes, I made your sandwich with double mustard.
And you'll return "Return of the King"?
Emery, is your stutter back? Good.
Your struggle will come in handy when we write your college essay.
"Return of the King" is the last book
in "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
I got it at the library, and it's due back today.
Oh, those books about the hairy-footed children
who can't keep track of their jewelry?
Yes, I will return it.
Evan, you can't wear those sandals to school!
You might stub your toe on a rock.
Highly unlikely, Mommy.
These sandals are made for climbingrocks.
They're rock-friendly.
You know who else thought he was safe in sandals?
Your buddy Jesus. Change 'em up.
♪
The one with the cowboys.
They both ha... The handsomecowboys.
Mm. Sorry, guys.
Big day at work...
getting a delivery of three dozen racks of ribs.
That's 468 individual ribs.
Well, I already fed the boys breakfast.
I got them off to school.
Now I just have to clean up the house,
do laundry, pick up the dry-cleaning,
hit the library, and then try on my wedding dress.
I try it on once a year to make sure I'm still the same size.
My tux still fits, but my shoes don't.
I can't explain it. Then Honey's picking me up.
We're gonna go stage a house we just put on the market.
I listed the price way too high to generate a buzz.
You're a machine, Jessica.
I am... a machine with a heart,
a heart that pumps efficiency.
No "bless you"?
I'll remember that.
♪
You guys won't believe the magazine I snuck into school.
Get out. No way. Stop.
Is this really happening?
Oh, it's happening.
Yes!
What kind of sick joke is this?
Fish Head Jackson.
I can't believe he's defending his belt tomorrow night
here in Orlando, and we're not gonna be there.
Against King Crawdad...
"The Battle of the Swamp Creatures."
It's on pay-per-view, but they're charging $59.99 for it.
Those are Toni Braxton prices.
Big Wrestling stopped caring about the common man years ago.
I'd love to go, but there's no way my mom says yes...
way too much fake violence.
Yeah, my mom's against it, too.
She won't admit it,
but I'm pretty sure Fish Head Jackson's my dad.
Yeah, I can swing a steel chair super hard.
Where do you think I get that from?
♪
What are you talking about?
Fish Head Jackson absolutely takes down King Crawdad.
The guy owns the squared circle.
Yes.
You got to be drunk to think that.
King Crawdad has the best turnbuckle game in the business.
Here come the insults.
Okay, there's a lot of things I have to be drunk for,
but this is not one of them.
Then you're a fool.
Oh, I love it when white people be getting personal.
Hey, boss, you gonna watch the pay-per-view?
Oh, no.
No way Jessica would allow that. It has "pay" in the title.
But I love how everyone's talking about the match.
I'm even gonna do a lunch special on spareribs.
Ready?
I'm calling it... "Breaking Ribs."
Huh?
Oh.
Cattleman's Ranch. This is Louis.
No discounts on the spareribs.
I am not.
I don't get sick. There's too much to do.
That's why I use this every day.
This is white flower oil.
It cures everything... allergies, muscle aches,
"depression."
Resiliency...
that's my fragrance.
♪
Jessica?
Hey, Honey.
You ready to go stage that house?
Let's take your car so I don't have to burn my gas.
Are you feeling okay?
Of course. Never better!
Jessica.
Yeah?
Did you hear what I just said?
When? Just now.
I've been talking for the past five minutes.
When?
Just now for the past five minutes?
How do I put this delicately?
You look toe' up.
Hey, Honey! When did you get here?
Apparently, not soon enough.
When?
I wish you would've called me at work.
I did call you at work.
You heard what I said about the spareribs, right?
Y-Yes, don't worry about the spareribs.
They remain at full price.
I'm talking about you being sick.
Luckily, Honey called me.
No, I'm telling you, I'm fine. No.
I still have so much I need to do.
The only thing you need to do is rest.
I can get you an extra blanket or a glass of water.
Mm. She sleeps.
Aah!
Good God!
Okay, listen up... Mom has the flu.
What do you mean?
She's sick.
But Mom never gets sick.
Well, sometimes, even the most
well-engineered machines break down.
Wait. So what's happening?
Your mother is sick.
I feel like you're not being clear.
Your mother is sick!
Now, we're all going to have to dig deep
and band together to pick up the slack
while your mother recovers.
Totally, Dad. Sounds great. We're on board.
Evan, could you go get us a couple of sodas?
Sure.
Now, if I could just suggest one idea...
Okay.
Now, I love Mom. We all do.
Love her, want nothing but the best for her,
want her to get better, which she absolutely will,
but until then, instead of seeing this as a bad thing...
which, let me make it clear, it totally is...
we can also choose to see it as an opportunity.
Go on.
Now, the fact is,
99% of the time, Mom is watching us.
She somehow always knows everything that's going on.
And right now, Mom's sick for the first time
since I've known her, which means...
The Eye of Sauron is down.
What?
From "The Lord of the Rings" books.
The Eye of Sauron is a mystical force
that can see everything that's happening
throughout Middle Earth.
Great, yes, the Eye.
And while we all love the Eye
and we all want it to open back up
as soon as possible,
we have a small window.
And I'm not saying to go crazy during that window.
No. That's not what I'm saying.
Emery, am I saying that?
No?
That's right.
All I'm saying is, for this
once-in-certainly-my-lifetime opportunity,
we maybe do...
one thing we normally couldn't do?
Like order "Battle of the Swamp Creatures"
on pay-per-view.
♪ Yeah ♪
Ice, please.
I almost went with ice.
I'm kicking myself.
I'm in.
Me too. Wonderful.
Now we just need to convince our backup Mom...
Evan.
$59.99 on pay-per-view?
No way Mom would let us buy that.
Yeah, you're right, Evan. You're so right.
It's a shame, though,
missing all those adults dressed like animals.
Animals? Oh, yeah!
The main event is between a guy dressed like a fish
and a guy dressed like a crawdad.
Really?
I think a crawdad would beat up a fish.
They have claws, like tiny lobsters.
Too bad we'll never know for sure.
Well, we could do a scientific experiment,
but it's really expensive to rent a lab.
Not to mention the tank fees.
And good luck finding free parking in this city. Hmm.
We can't afford to not watch this fight.
For science.
For science! For science! For science!
Okay, just so we all understand,
this is the one thing we do while the Eye is down.
Agreed?
I bought us a bigger TV.
Went from 27 to 30 inches. Your mom will never notice.
She doesn't concern herself with electronics.
What happened to "one thing"?
Well, if we're paying for "Battle of the Swamp Creatures,"
we have to watch it on a proper TV.
I agree, and honestly,
our cost-per-pixel just went down.
We can't stop saving money.
Okay, I'm gonna clean this place.
We can't have any dust interfering
with our new picture quality.
You guys get your homework done,
and then we're gonna go stock up on fight snacks.
To the books!
I've never him run to do his homework before.
I've never seen him run before.
Mm.
♪
Homework's done?
Worked my Ticonderoga to the nub.
Wow. Okay.
So, your mom's been out of commission for a day.
Before we hit the store,
we need to make sure she's still sick
so the Eye of Sauron stays shut for the fight.
I mean, we love her.
- Love the Eye. - It's the prettiest.
Can't wait for it to reopen.
But we need her asleep by the undercard...
Python Ramirez vs. Morris Silverman.
Morris hasn't earned his swamp name yet.
♪
Come in.
So, how are you feeling?
Oh, you're shivering. You have the chills.
Oh, I'm fine.
I was just gonna get dinner started.
Whoa, there, Mommy. You're walking like a baby deer.
Yeah, you definitely need more rest.
Look, the boys and I brought in everything you need
so you can stay in bed all day and night.
Here, Mom. Drink this. You need sleep.
Be liberal with that dose.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I feel terrible. I'm so out of it.
Oh, please. It happens. You're human.
Now let's get you comfy.
No. You should go.
I don't want you to catch any of my germs.
Good call.
I don't see myself washing my hands anytime soon.
We're off to run some errands. We'll be gone for awhile.
You know, tough out there without you,
but we'll manage.
I'll even sleep in Eddie's room tonight.
I-In the meantime, I'll turn on this humidifier
so you can keep sleeping.
Okay, sleep long... uh, I mean tight.
Y-You know, tight and long.
The Eye of Sauron is down.
But let's double-check the ear.
Jessica?
Mom, is that orange juice pulpy enough for you?
Sometimes, I prefer hugs from Dad.
Aww! Is that true?
Sure.
♪
We're not getting that.
We're getting this.
It's Shirley Temple time!
Dietginger ale?
Mom may be out of commission, but diabetes isn't.
Dad!
No!
Okay, Carmen Electra is the last thing.
After this, we go home, quietly unpack our snacks,
and get ready for fight night.
Gentle. She's a lady.
So... put her in a different bag than the beef jerky?
Here you go. Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Hey!
Niagara Falls, stifle those nuts.
You're gonna wake the Eye.
Sorry.
Let's get ready
to repti-i-i-i-i-i-le!
Shh!
Marvin, keep it down.
Jessica is asleep.
What are you doing here?
It's fight night.
Honey's actually there.
She had two tickets,
but they won't allow me in the convention center
since they put in metal detectors.
Always packin'.
Luckily, uh, little Evan there invited me to your viewing party.
I bet him $50 that King Crawdad beats Fish Head Jackson.
Yeah, everything's more fun to watch
when an allowance is on the line.
Evan, you shouldn't have invited anyone.
We're trying to keep this quiet.
Mom is in the next room.
Let's get ready to repti-i-i-i-i-le!
Shh! Hey!
You're sitting next to me, Red.
What? At least they brought something.
Wh...
That's pumpkin filling.
We're on our way to a pie.
W...
♪
Well, hello, there.
Boy, Tom, Fish Head Jackson and Crawdad
are really going at it.
He is rocked!
Come on, Crawdad, you bum!
Use your claws!
Oh.
Hey, Marvin. Look, there's Honey.
Oh, hi.
The hell?
♪
She left the humidifier on.
She wanted to trick us so bad,
she was willing to waste electricity.
We're gonna head out. Thanks for everything.
Great party.
♪
What are you doing here?
What are you doing out of here?
I can't believe you were the first person
to sneak out of the house.
I would've bet my life savings on Eddie.
Don't bother, Mommy.
We know you were at the "Battle of the Swamp Creatures."
What's going on? Were you even sick?
Of course I was.
I was really sick.
But after a good night's sleep,
I woke up feeling much better.
Then the phone rang.
Hello?
Hey, sweetie. It's me. Just checking in on you.
Are you feeling better?
Actually, I am.
Yeah, I slept really well last... Perfect.
Because I got two tickets to "Battle of the Swamp Creatures,"
and I want you to come.
You'll love it.
It's like a sweatier, more violent "Melrose Place."
Those are my only two criticisms of "Melrose Place."
Ugh! But there's no way I can go.
Come on. Sure you can.
Honey, I am a mother of three
who's just been bedridden for 24 hours.
Unlike you, I can't sit around, drinking martinis all day.
I'm sure the house is a mess, no one's eaten,
and none of the boys have done their homework.
Maybe Evan started his,
but there's now way he could've done theirs.
Well...
I have an extra pair of foam claws
if you change your mind.
It was a tempting offer.
But after being out of commission for a day,
there's no way I could go.
I knew the house would be chaos.
But when I came out, the place was spotless.
You boys were doing your homework.
I couldn't believe it.
Why are you pressing so hard?
Because I write like I play basketball...
hard and a little out of control.
I knew if I said I was feeling better,
things would go back to normal, and I didn't want them to.
I wanted more time before I had to be responsible
for everything and everyone again.
So I snuck back in my room, read magazines,
tried on my wedding dress...
still fits, by the way, knew it would.
And then I decided to take up Honey on her offer.
But I needed one more free night.
♪
Come in.
So, how are you feeling?
Oh, you're shivering. You have the chills.
It was an ice cream headache.
No, no, I'm fine.
I was just gonna get dinner started.
Whoa, there, Mommy. You're walking like a baby deer.
I was pleased to hear that because that's what I was going for.
Now let's get you comfy.
You should go.
I don't want you to get my germs.
I-In the meantime, I'll turn on this humidifier
so you can keep sleeping.
Thank you, Jessica.
You are better than me in every way.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say that.
Yes, you did.
The way I remember it, you did.
Then when you guys left the house...
I snuck out, and I went to the fight.
I can't believe this.
We thought you were safe in bed,
and then we see you waving your claw on TV.
What do you mean "you saw me on TV"?
We got the fight on pay-per-view.
They made me!
Pay-per-view?
That sounds like you have to pay to view it.
We don't pay to watch TV in this house.
We only did it because the Eye of Sauron was down.
You somehow always know everything we're doing.
And it's a bit much.
I mean, we love that you care about us.
- Love it. - Can't get enough of it.
Wish you were there to stop me from losing 50 bucks to Marvin.
But it's tough feeling like someone is always watching us.
Sometimes we just need to, you know, let loose a little.
I get it.
You do?
It's not easy for me, either, always having to be vigilant...
packing lunches, picking out boy clothes,
running the house, going to work.
So when I saw you were doing okay without me...
I thought I could step away,
just take a break for once.
Jessica, you shouldn't feel like
you have to sneak away to enjoy a night out.
And you shouldn't feel like you have to wait till I'm sick
to treat yourselves.
Maybe like Fish Head Jackson and King Crawdad,
we can meet in the middle.
That would be nice.
But we would do it for real. Yeah.
That whole event was fake.
There's no way a crawdad would lose to a fish!
That's what I thought, too!
But I guess you can't apply logic
to a sport of fools, Mommy.
My favorite.
♪
All right, Mom, I'll put it away!
I didn't say anything!
Whoa.
I don't need this many combs.
Crap! I need more cereal.
Crap! I need more milk.
Crap! I need more cereal!
Mommy, help me!
You can handle this, Evan. I believe in you.
What's that?
Mommy's French breakfast... for one.
There you are!
So, in the spirit of meeting in the middle,
I got you something.
What happened to the TV?
I got a new one!
It's a little smaller than the old one,
but this one has picture-in-picture.
Mm.
What'd you do with the old one?
Oh, well, you've been complaining about it forever,
so I found it a new home.
Well, this is funny. He's a loving, precious son.
He's the one who's gonna need therapy.
Kathie Lee sure knows how to start a day, huh?
Anyway, so he
Hey, buddy! I'm just here to collect.
Oh. Gosh. Did we bet on something?
$50, little man.
You're not really gonna make me pay,
are you, Uncle Marvin?
♪
I want those wheels to shine like Liberace's bathtub.
Stupid fish wrestler.
Always bet on bass.