Evan, I know you're nervous
about your first grown-up haircut,
but you're in safe hands with Reuben.
He's the best in the biz.
I used to cut Gregory Hines' hair.
So what will it be today, Louis?
Well, with Chinese New Year coming up,
we're gonna need extra fresh cuts.
Better make it two usuals.
Actually, I'll have the "Randy."
The who?
Randy from "Home Improvement."
You know, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Is that one person or three people?
One, but with the talent of three.
Okay, your haircut, your choice.
One usual and one "Randy," please.
A usual and a "Randy," coming up.
I hope we don't run into any balloons on our way home
because we are gonna look sharp.
Thanks, Reuben.
See, what did I tell you? Isn't Reuben the best?
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
Art thou the bird who man loves best?
The pious bird with the scarlet breast.
Is that a "Yes, I returned Marvin's birdfeeder"
or a "No, I didn't return Marvin's birdfeeder"?
Yes, I returned it.
Good, Louis is clean.
That just leave you boys, with the exception of Emery,
who is clean all year round.
I don't get why we're going through
all this trouble for a holiday.
Having a clean slate is an important part
of the lunar New Year.
All debts, disputes, and grudges have to be resolved
in order to ensure good fortune for the coming year.
Mom's just looking out for future us.
Well, she better also be looking our for Mariah Carey
because that's who the future me is married to.
I'm gonna marry Jewel.
Stay away from Jewel.
Evan, did you settle things with Carol-Joan
after your incident?
And so the bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
And the bear says...
"I don't know. I've always had them."
I apologized with a fig basket.
It's done. Good.
Eddie, did you care for Grandma's flowers
like I asked you to?
Care for them?
I spoiled them.
Turns out, they love Mr. Pibb.
Technically, it's still alive, so good enough.
Second cousin Susan?
You've been in a fight with her for 30 years.
Louis, do you know what this means?
This could be the first time our entire family has
a clean slate for the New Year!
Imagine what that kind of good fortune could mean
for our future business dealings and scratch-offs.
But, Mom, you've never had a clean slate.
You always end up getting into a fight with somebody.
You're kind of a loose cannon.
A loose cannon downs more ships.
I don't... Don't worry.
This year, to ensure success,
I am putting myself on lock down.
If I don't leave the house, I can't get into any fights.
Really? You're just gonna stay inside?
I've already run all my errands,
paid all my debts, settled my disputes,
and had enough time to rent "Courage Under Fire."
Um...
Who is that?
Very...
Simon, welcome.
Eddie will take good care of you.
Me? Have Evan do it.
He's basically a big Evan. Look at him!
Welcoming family is an important New Year's tradition.
He is your new "Grandma's flowers."
Don't let him die.
♪ Organize my dress socks ♪
♪ Why don't I organize my dress socks? ♪
♪ Organize my dress socks and put them away ♪
Uh... Dad.
Oh, Evan, hi. What's up?
I have a problem.
The letter was right here, stamped and addressed,
and now it's gone.
So? Your mom probably mailed it.
You don't understand. The letter was hate mail.
You sent hate mail?
I was gonna send it after the New Year,
but then someone went and mailed it.
Now Reuben's gonna read it today,
and I'll have bad luck for the entire year.
Evan, relax.
I'm sure whoever...
Wait.
Reuben who?
You know, Reuben.
Your barber?
♪ Your rhymes are like air balls ♪
♪ Mine are Magic, I Shaq it ♪
♪ You tryin' to kill me in a battle? ♪
♪ Break out that old Browns jacket ♪
Ooh!
Eddie! Trent: I hate the Browns now.
What are you doing?
Get in here and take care of your cousin.
I found him reading an old MAD magazine.
I was teaching him about America through humor.
"Dunces with Wolves."
Genius.
That's your cousin?
Is he cool?
His shorts almost touch his nipples.
What if he reads your letter and won't cut my hair anymore?
Or he tells the other barbers? You know how they talk.
Do you know how hard it is to find a good barber?
It's like dating but for your hair.
He's not that good, Dad.
I mean, look at this mess.
I asked for a "Randy," and he gave me a "Brad."
Nobody knows who those people are!
I've been going to Reuben since we moved to Orlando.
I can't start over and find somebody new.
Maybe he won't know who sent it.
I signed the letter... "Unhappy Customer."
Oh, really?
What else did it say?
It said, "You don't know how to cut Asian hair.
I asked for a 'Randy,' and you gave me a 'Brad.'"
Evan, he's gonna know that's us!
Put your shoes on.
We've got to get that letter back
before it ruins the New Year for the both of us.
Ugh!
Well, good thing I'm wearing my movie jeans
and not my lucky red...
Emery...
I need your help. What's up?
I forgot to pick up my lucky red dress from the dry cleaner's...
the one I've worn every New Year's since I retired
my women's-powersuit- dragon-broach combo in 1989.
And, let me guess, you want me to make you a new one.
What? No.
No, I want you to come to the dry cleaner's with me
to pick it up. Why me?
Because I want to make it
to New Year's dinner with a clean slate,
and I don't trust myself out there alone.
So you want me to be your kindness Sherpa,
your karma spirit guide, your bodyguard for...
Enough examples, but yes.
You get along with everybody,
so I'm just gonna follow your lead.
No more loose cannon.
Don't worry, Mom.
Just put your hand on my shoulder,
and I'll guide you, like a seeing eye dog except...
I'll wait outside.
Hey! You like?
We brought it back from New Mexico.
Too big for the overhead, so we had to check them.
If the wind blows just right,
they play the intro to "Jack & Diane."
Emery, go get my step ladder
and the big scissors I use to cut meat.
We love them!
Wind chimes are nature's instrument.
What are you doing?
Those pipes sound like somebody
let an octopus loose in the Williams-Sonoma.
I know, Mom, but if you're gonna stay clean today,
you're gonna need to control your temper.
I'm your kindness Sherpa, remember?
Yes, you're right.
But just so you know, as soon as the New Year is over,
I'm going to steal those chimes
and drop them in the bottom of the ocean.
I know you will, Mom.
Hide them where no one can find them. Okay, Mom.
Wrap them in chains, drive them to the pier,
and then I'm gonna drop them off...
Mom! I get it. You hate the chimes.
Ding-dong! You're at the bottom of the ocean.
Are you sure I'm controlling the Koopas?
Yeah, yeah, I told you, I control Mario,
and you control the Koopas and the Boos.
It's how the game works.
Hey, what'd you do that for?
Grandma, what does it look like I'm doing?
He's having fun.
Grandma, that's a great idea.
I know just the place.
Hey, Simon.
Have you ever...
built a bear?
I built a miniature model of the Titanic once
for history class.
I used Tic Tacs for the life boats.
Uh-huh.
Well, here, you build a bear.
All the cool kids do it.
Okay, do you want to build one together?
We can make it a blend of both of us.
What boy names do you like? I like Carl.
It's kind of something you do by yourself.
Like, the bear chooses you. That kind of thing.
Have fun.
And then you just hand the dry cleaner your ticket, smile,
and I'll handle the rest.
He calls me "Jessie."
You know that? Jessie.
Like I'm a German shepherd.
You can do this. I believe in you.
All we have to do is walk over there and...
Uh-oh.
Hello, can you spare any change today to save the whales?
Okay, new plan.
I go in alone and get your dress.
What do I do? You stay here, relax,
and listen to the soothing sounds of NPR.
Man: And with that, Coney Island was born.
The boardwalk, the cotton candy,
and, of course, La Marcus Thompson's
switchback gravity railway.
You know what?
I am relaxed.
I'll be back in five minutes. Okay.
Stay in the car and lock the doors. Mm.
The island itself?
Named for all the Coneys, or rabbits...
Louis: Reuben always goes on break at 1:30.
He'll head to the back to eat a yogurt,
and we can duck in and see if the letter's been delivered yet.
How will we know?
Reuben always gets the new issue
of Sports Illustrated in the mail.
If the new issue's on the counter,
that means the mail has been delivered,
and it's too late.
If it's still last week's, we're okay.
Now's our chance. Let's go.
"America's Top 50 Jock Schools."
Is that this week's or last week's?
I only read "Zillions."
Last week's, which means the mail hasn't been...
Louis.
What are you doing here?
Oh.
We're here because, um, Evan needs another haircut.
Thanks, Reuben, great work as always.
This is great. Reuben hasn't gotten your letter yet.
Great? Look at my hair.
I look like Grace Jones.
What's the problem? She's a handsome woman.
♪ You don't want this fire ♪
♪ My words burn, bet your health ♪
♪ Put you out with water ♪
♪ But you're only gonna wet yourself ♪
Hey, cousin Eddie.
You were right about that place. It was awesome.
You can design your bear's shirt and everything.
I made one of you...
and one of me.
Why is mine holding a fishing rod?
I had to guess your hobbies.
Nice tweddy bear, Eddie.
Walter, give me a beat.
♪ I don't know you, dawg ♪
♪ If we're related, it's barely ♪
♪ I could care less ♪
♪ So if I'm hating, it's barely ♪
♪ Why are you here, ringside? ♪
♪ You made weight? Barely ♪
♪ Oh, you're just watching, ♪ on a date with bear me ♪
♪ Come to my town, and you're whacker than whack ♪
♪ Pick any store, Simon, I'll get a bag for you to pack ♪
♪ Return to manufacturer, It's personality you lack ♪
♪ I'm done babysitting, I'll just give my money back ♪
Oh! Oh!
Ohhhhhhh!
♪ Young Frankenstein thinks I'm dumb? ♪
♪ Well, the truth is, I'm dumb nice ♪
♪ You's a sucker like a lollipop ♪
♪ In other words, you're dumb twice ♪
♪ You think you're better, wrong ♪
♪ You think you're fresher, wrong ♪
♪ And after this spanking ♪
♪ I'mma call you Wedgie Huang ♪
♪ An hour away from you? ♪
♪ I was thrilled, on balance ♪
♪ Yeah, I built two bears I charged it to your allowance ♪
♪ So call your mom to pick us up ♪
♪ Then do us a favor... shut your trap ♪
♪ I'm in Orlando to see Mickey, not a little Goofy rap ♪
- That was so cool. - That was tight.
- How did you do that? - Sick, man.
- That was so cool. - Love it.
Woman: And that's where I met my husband,
right there on the boardwalk. Why is this taking so long?
He was an engineer on the Cyclone,
and I sold cotton candy at the...
♪
Hello. Can you spare any change today to save the whales?
Yes.
You owe me another $5.
I gave a $20.
No, you gave me a $10.
You owe me another $5.
Oh, now you're in for it, buddy.
Mom, this guy's a liar,
and he's trying to steal my money.
Emery, just pay the man what he says you owe him.
What?
Me?
But he's a liar.
You come into my store and call me a liar?
That's it.
You're going on the wall.
Aren't you gonna say anything?
Great, now how are people going to know we do shoes?
Why didn't you stick up for me? Don't you believe me?
Of course, I believe you.
We're supposed to be avoiding conflicts,
not starting new ones.
Last week, you yelled at a bus driver
for not wearing his hat.
But the one time I need you to get angry for me,
you leave me hanging?
You care more about your holiday superstitions
than you do about me.
No. That is not true.
I just want our whole family
to start out the New Year on the right foot for once.
That is worth $5 to me.
So please, just go in there and give that man his money.
No way.
You know, $5 could de-barnacle a whole pod.
Okay, now let's go over the plan again.
I pretend to lose my car keys down this grate,
then when the mailman comes to help me,
I hit the mail out of his hands,
you grab the letter and rip it up.
Isn't holding up a mailman
worse than just sending an angry letter?
Can we just ask for it back?
Have you ever tried reasoning with a mailman, son?
You can't. They're crazy. You've got to come strong.
Oh. Thank God you're here.
Uh, my keys have fallen down this grate.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Now!
What'd you do that for?
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over...
Now!
Will you stop doing that?
Everything okay, Louis?
Looks like you're trying to assault a federal employee.
Assault?
Oh, no.
I just, uh... I... my keys fell down a grate.
Look, I'm late for a bat mitzvah,
so I'm gonna let you off with a warning.
Just, you know, be cool.
There goes my relationship with Reuben.
We didn't get the letter back,
and I have a terrible haircut.
My year of bad luck has already begun.
So you didn't exactly get the haircut you wanted.
I didn't like my haircut when I first went to Reuben.
I wanted the "Clooney," but he gave me this.
After a while, I got used to it.
Why'd you keep going back to him if it wasn't what you wanted?
I don't know. He was just so nice.
He called me "Big Guy."
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Plus, it's a good haircut.
But it could be a great haircut.
You said that finding the right barber was like dating.
Would you have settled for anyone less than Mom?
No.
You deserve the "Clooney," Dad.
We all do.
Looks like we're getting a storm.
That's right, girls.
Sing for your supper.
Are you sure? I could have sworn I gave you a $20.
Nope. You gave me a $10. I'm sure of it.
You owe me another $5.
Not you again.
I am here to make things right for my son.
This is the extra $5 he owes you.
I apologize for his behavior.
And I ask that you take his photo down from your shame wall
so he can start out the New Year with a clean slate.
Apology accepted.
But only because I need the business.
My wife has... expensive tastes.
My son's photo, please. Oh!
Thank you.
And now you're going to want to take my picture.
Why would I want to take... Trust me.
You're going to want to take my picture.
♪
Hey. Hey.
What you did back there...
It... It was impolite.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry. You were awesome.
I'm the one who should be saying sorry
for the way I treated you.
You're not mad that I embarrassed you?
I was just mad because you were so good.
I mean, you rhymed "balance" with "allowance."
You're amazing, dawg.
How'd you get so dope at freestyling?
I love hip-hop.
How come you never said anything?
You never asked.
Hmm.
For real though,
you could become a famous rapper one day.
Rap's just a hobby for me.
My real passion is marine biology.
Do you see any Asian rappers in here?
Me neither.
You have a gift.
You have a chance to change the game.
I'll think about it.
Come on.
How did you get this?
I'm sorry for not having your back.
I get it.
It's Chinese New Year, and you wanted to start clean.
It's not just that.
I didn't stand up for you
because I don't want to set that kind of example for you.
I don't want to teach you that fighting
is always the answer.
But you fight with, like, everybody...
delivery guys, firemen,
the cat outside the frozen yogurt place.
Yes.
And you're good.
And you get along with everybody.
And you're always smiling.
I don't want you to be more like me.
I want to be more like you.
I've witnessed the softening
of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.
Goldie Hawn said that.
Goldie...
also sounds like a dog's name.
What happened to your hair?
Tried out a new barber.
He finally gave me exactly what I asked for...
the "Clooney."
You hate it, don't you?
So much.
But at least now I know.
Like I know sending that letter won't bring me bad luck
because it wasn't hate mail, it was truth mail.
You did it, Mom.
You made it to the New Year with a clean slate.
Yeah...
Uh, orange and full of juice.
Um... an orange?
The color of my first car.
Tan!
Powder blue!
Electric plum!
You're shouting in my ear.
It's tangerines.
Now sit back and enjoy the entertainment.
♪ Big ups to the Huangs ♪
♪ Never say you ain't the flyest * Never!
♪ You can't pick your own family ♪
♪ but you can pick your hair stylist * Uh-huh!
♪ My man Louis the wildest, Jessica mad stylish * Yo!
♪ Evan's on a short leash, and Emery the least childish * Uh-huh.
♪ Mario to my Luigi, Eddie my partner in rhyme ♪
♪ Any problems with my people ♪
♪ We'll silence you like the chimes * Bing-bang.
♪ All love, same blood ♪
♪ From the womb to the tomb ♪
♪ Just don't ask me to leave ♪
♪ I already took Evan's room ♪
Sorry, Evan!
Well, that's great.
Who is that?