Emery, we're gonna be late for dinner at honey and Marvin's.
Why aren't you ready?
Sorry. Just give me one second.
I'm almost done with my love wall.
Jessica: Love wall?
I'm decorating my room with all the valentines I got
from the girls in my class.
You give love, you get love.
I don't know where you get this romantic side from,
but this wall looks pretty cool.
"Cool." Did I use that word right?
Cool.
I get it from you two.
What's more romantic than meeting the love of your life
and living happily ever after?
We met at a seafood restaurant
waiting in line for the bathroom.
I bet it was love at first sight.
We both had food poisoning.
And love poisoning.
Oh, that was the last time I ever ordered an octopus po' boy.
I lost two pounds but gained a wife.
S02E12 Love and Loopholes
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com
Mm. It's too bad grandma huang couldn't come.
She loves my enchiladas.
Yeah. She's out of town at a mah-jongg tournament.
I think this is the year she finally doesn't get in a fight.
[Chuckles] Oh, speaking of out of town,
Nicole's with her mom this week, so we went out last night...
Both: Afro-Brazilian dancing!
You said that louder than expected.
We went to Chi-Chi's and danced the night away.
The room completely disappeared,
and it was just Marvin and I alone on the dance floor.
Our souls unified into one mega-soul.
[Both chuckle]
- Mm. - Mm.
Similar story.
I was running an open house, and I spotted a cockroach.
It was just me and that roach in a dance for survival.
I didn't use bug spray. Oh, no. That's too easy.
I prefer a battle of a wits.
[Chuckles]
♪ ... many times I wonder how 'bout you, day and night ♪
So, how'd Alison like
the Janet Jackson concert tickets
you got her for Valentine's Day?
She flipped.
We're gonna have so much fun tomorrow night.
Now all I got to do is win tickets and I'm good.
Win the tickets?
You gave her tickets you don't even have?
We both know I blew all my money on that snake that ran away.
But wdoy 94.8 is having a call-in ticket giveaway
all day tomorrow.
My boy Trent's coming over to help.
We'll be calling from the phone line and the fax line.
I'll be like, "boop, boop, boop, boop.
Hello? Yes? I won! Great!
Oh, hold on. I got another call."
[Clicks]
"Hello? God?
Oh, you're calling to congratulate me."
So, I was a little skeptical
about taking a couples' cooking class.
[Both chuckle]
He has this worry
that his knuckle hair will get in the food.
[Chuckles]
But when I saw her making that pizza...
Kneading the dough,
pounding it with her little fist...
Sweetheart, I think I hear a water leak in the bedroom.
Oh, no. We should go check on it.
- We should. - Yeah.
[Both giggle]
[Door closes]
They're not coming back, are they?
Probably not.
Water leaks take a long time to fix.
I feel bad we never went back out there for dinner.
Oh, they're fine. We heard them leave.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
I also heard the sound of tinfoil,
so I think Jessica wrapped up our country ham
and took it with her. [Chuckles]
Hey, did you notice
that all of their stories tonight were about work?
Well, boopsy, you know,
they have two businesses and three kids.
They don't have much of a social life to talk about.
I didn't think of that, cuddlepuss.
Meanwhile, every other week is like our honeymoon
with Nicole being at her mother's house.
Aww, our honeymoon. [Chuckles]
I miss "Barthelona."
Oh, Barthelona will always be in our hearts.
[Chuckles]
You know what?
Tomorrow's Valentine's Day,
and I bet Jessica and Louis aren't doing anything.
Hmm.
What if we offer to babysit the kids
and give them a romantic night alone?
That's a great idea!
- Yeah? - Yeah.
It'll be fun seeing the boys running around the house.
[Chuckles] Teach them how to chop wood.
Maybe I could show them my trains.
[Dialing, busy signal]
I have to wiz!
Don't think about it.
I had to go 30 minutes ago. It goes away.
[Ringing]
It's ringing.
Yes. Hello?
Trent Masterson, sir.
I won?
Two tickets?
I won!
Both: Yes!
We did it!
Alison's gonna be so happy she can go with me.
Yeah, man. Super happy for you.
Glad I could help.
I'm still on the air?
Class of '97 rules!
[Chuckles]
Thank you, honey. That's such a nice offer.
You know what? I'm gonna talk to Louis, and I'll let you know.
Honey's got a set of balls.
What's wrong?
She and Marvin are offering to take our kids tonight
so we can have a Valentine's date.
[Scoffs] You're kidding me, right?
They think we need help?
Help? Um, no, thanks.
Go help the Andersons' kid. He's always humping the bushes.
Well...
Now that I think about it, it might not be the worst idea.
I mean, the kids aren't around. It'll be nice and quiet.
We could, um...
You know...
That's true.
We could really take our time.
Not rush it.
Hmm. I hate when we rush it.
I always feel like I'm forgetting something.
[Doorbell rings]
Hey, man. You pick up the tickets already?
That's dope! Thanks.
"Member of the rhythm nation"?
Since 1991.
The rhythm nation is built on honesty and, obviously, rhythm.
I tried to be okay with giving the tickets
to you and Alison, but I'm Janet's biggest fan.
It's unfair to Janet if I'm not there.
But Alison's super excited to go.
I'm happy to take Alison, but we won on my dial.
So I feel like I need to take one of those tickets.
Let me be clear.
I'm seeing Janet.
Thanks again for taking the kids tonight.
[Chuckles] Of course. Our pleasure.
Mm-hmm.
I love that you two are making this Valentine's Day special.
- Well, so do we. - Yes.
Where's Eddie?
Oh, we're dropping him off at the Janet Jackson concert
on the way to dinner.
Fun fact... I gave Jermaine a root canal in '87.
- Hmm. - Oh.
So... Where are you going to dinner?
Oh, uh, I pulled a few strings
and got us a table at Chez français.
[French accent] Hon, hon, hon.
We might also go dancing after.
- In fact, we should probably get going. - Yeah.
[Singsong voice] Not without a picture.
[Chuckles] Aww.
Uh, dad, stand behind mom.
Uh, okay.
And then... good. Okay.
So, wrap your arms around her waist.
A little bit more... under. Under her arms.
Under the purse.
Under the purse. Okay.
Okay. [Sighs]
Okay. Perfect.
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Indistinct conversations]
Trent!
I knew it would be you.
I would have been fine if it was her,
but two dudes at a Janet Jackson concert on Valentine's Day?
That's the way it should be.
♪ Oh, you nasty boys ♪
♪ Nasty, nasty boys ♪
♪ Don't mean a thing ♪
♪ Do do do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Oh, you nasty boys ♪
Whoo! We're gonna have fun!
Hi, Trent! Happy Valentine's Day.
Eddie explained everything.
I think we all deserve to see Janet.
But we only have two tickets!
I have a plan.
So, what do you boys feel like doing?
Huh?
Want me to show you some strangleholds?
Teach you how to play a dirge on a bugle?
Oh, I know!
How about a game, huh?
Let's play "Dare or Dare."
You mean "Truth or Dare?"
Truth is for moms.
Men dare each other.
Okay. I'll go first.
Great.
I dare you to go in your dad's sock drawer
and mismatch a few.
[Both laugh]
Oh, my gosh! That's too much!
He's gonna be so annoyed!
[Chuckles]
Okay, your turn.
Huh?
I dare you to tell me a secret that honey doesn't know.
Okay, okay.
Uh... But what I say in this room stays in this room.
You have my word.
I had a wife before honey.
That's not a secret. Everyone knows that.
Nicole's mom.
No, no. I had a wife before that wife... Lucinda.
You're good at this game.
[Chuckles]
[Laughs]
[Jessica laughing]
Louis: Oh, wow. That feels amazing.
Jessica: [Sighs] It does feel amazing.
[Giggles] Oh, I like that.
I can't believe we can deduct your sit-down hair dryer
as a business expense.
Deduct that bitch! [Chuckles]
[Adding machine prints]
What's going on?
Emery!
What are you doing here?
It's not what it looks like.
This is your romantic date? Doing your taxes?
Son, when a man and a woman love each other
and both own their own businesses,
there's a lot of paperwork around tax season.
A quiet night alone gives us the chance to focus
and not miss any crucial deductions.
It's completely natural.
There's nothing natural about this!
You guys had one night alone, on Valentine's Day!
And this is what you did?
[Sighs]
He'll be fine.
He just doesn't understand the demands
of an adult relationship.
I don't see anything wrong with what we're doing. Do you?
Would you buy it that that old chair we donated
was worth a grand?
Yeah.
Yo, tickets! Tickets!
What's up, girl? You got pretty hair. You want some tickets?
What's up, dude? You're so tall. You want a ticket?
Hey, man.
Hey. What's up, young'un?
Want some tickets? I got you covered.
Actually, I have a pair of really good seats,
but I'll swap them for three just okay seats.
Okay, yeah.
That's what we call in my business a "trade."
Yo, I'm gonna hook you up, man.
I got three tickets about 10 rows back
from where you are,
but they are no bad seats in the rhythm nation.
How's that sound?
That's awesome, man. Thanks!
And we'll just do this hand off...
Bye!
What? No! I'll stop him!
[Panting]
He got away.
And so, we got divorced, and I re-enlisted in the Navy.
Sounds like Uncle Marvin is sharing some old war stories.
You learning anything interesting?
I learned that you're Uncle Marvin's third wife.
[Gulps, coughs] Evan.
You said whatever you say in this room stays in this room,
and we're still in this room.
Wait, what?
What do you mean third wife?
Oh, goodness. Look at the time here.
I'd better get these boys back home.
Boys? I see one boy.
Where's Emery?
Where... huh?
I know where to find him... Get him.
Come on, Evan.
Thank you, number three.
[Insects chirping]
Sorry if I got you in trouble.
You put me in some hot water, kid.
But real men forgive each other instantly.
Besides, we've lost your brother,
so we have bigger problems.
Hopefully, he'll be inside the house.
[Knock on door]
I never thought I'd ever have to tell another parent
that I lost their son.
Hey, guys! Perfect timing.
We just got home.
You lovebirds, uh, paint the town red?
We did.
[Chuckles]
Well, uh, thanks for watching our...
Uh, tell me more about your night out.
What did you have for dinner?
Uh...
Oh, ooh.
[Chuckles] Well...
We had shrimp.
And pork.
Water meets land. Delicious.
[Laughs]
Hey, what kind of wine did you have?
Oh, uh, white. Red... White.
Well, she... yeah. She had red. I had white.
Two bottles. We went for it! [Chuckles]
A little Dutch courage for the dance floor, huh?
Where'd you guys end up going dancing?
- Oh, El Toucan. - We decided not to go dancing.
Kidding. She's famous for her wit.
[Chuckles] I'm a jokester.
Right. Right.
Well, it was fun watching Evan and...
Emery?
Emery: [Muffled] What?
Oh, thank God.
Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
[Laughs]
- Best concert I've ever seen. - Janet rules!
Girl: I can't believe Janet did eight encores!
At least we kind of heard the whole show from out here.
We heard Trent sing along to the whole show.
♪ Let me take you on an escapade ♪
♪ On an escapade, baby ♪
Singing a happy song doesn't make the sadness go away.
Jimmy Jam: You guys don't look like you had a very good time tonight.
Whoa! Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis!
Janet's producers!
Uh, they're crazy. [Indistinct shouting]
I'm gonna get my taser, and I'm gonna set it to "kid."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jam.
They're just really big Janet fans.
Terry! Jimmy! Look at me!
Homemade t-shirt. Style on a budget.
I respect that.
I was gonna buy a shirt inside, but...
Our tickets got stolen.
Oh, well, you'll just have to pick one up
at the show tomorrow night.
What do you mean?
I think what he means is he's setting you up
with V.I.P. seats.
Yes!
We got tickets! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
It's the anniversary of my dog's death.
I'm feeling generous... 'Cause Rosy loved the kids.
Yes.
[Sighs]
I thought you were leaving those up all year.
I changed my mind.
"Give Chloe a chance. Mrs. White"?
Is this from a teacher?
Yeah, she's been trying to set me up
with her granddaughter for months.
Emery, we were just doing our taxes.
It's not a big deal.
It is to me.
I wanted what I thought you guys had, but after what I saw,
I guess romance isn't what I thought it was.
Son, we are romantic.
Really?
Because I was thinking about it,
and I've never seen you guys kiss.
If you want to see us kiss, no problem.
I've seen you guys kiss like that.
I mean a romantic kiss.
Okay.
Okay. [Chuckles]
Ow, my hair!
- Oh, oh, oh! - My hair! Aah!
It got caught in my ring.
That's okay. Okay.
Uh [Clears throat]
[Groans]
Oh, you're hurting my ribs!
- Oh. - Aah!
Okay.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Just relax. Calm down.
It's weird with him staring.
[Sighs]
Okay.
Right here.
[Teeth clack]
Oh! Aah!
- Oh! - Oh, God!
Oh!
- Oh, you came in so fast! - Oh!
It's because he was watching.
We're romantic.
We're just not used to kissing in front of an audience.
Sorry for not being a slut.
Mind if I clear away this romance?
[Doorbell rings]
Hey! Howdy, neighbor.
You know, Emery and Evan and I had such a great time yesterday.
I wondered if I could have them over again today.
You need to use us as a shield so honey won't yell at you?
[Chuckles] What did you do, Marvin,
leave the toilet seat up?
Uncle Marvin was married twice before honey.
Honey didn't know about the first first wife.
Oh, damn!
Hey! We're outside that room.
Why did you say that?
Sorry.
I forgive you. [Chuckles]
Come on, Lou.
You and Jessica could use another day alone, right?
Well, I, uh, guess I don't see the harm in that.
[Chuckles] Oh.
Emery, you're going to Marvin's!
You and mom have fun... Cleaning out the attic.
Oh, ho, ho! Nice.
[Door closes] Hey, hey, hey.
Look who's going to spend another day with us.
Come on, boys.
Let's go make some sandwiches.
Do you have goober grape?
It's peanut butter and jelly in one jar.
It's my favorite.
I saw a commercial for it,
and I feel like it could change my life.
[Chuckles]
[Sighs]
Hey, you want to listen to some rat pack?
I've got this live album where Dean Martin says
racially insensitive things to Sammy Davis, Jr.
How about this?
Mississippi John Hurt?
Well, that's delta blues, man.
That's the hard stuff.
What's got you so down, son?
I found out my parents weren't on a romantic date last night.
They were home doing their taxes.
No.
Right there on the kitchen table.
Right on the kitchen table.
So, they lied to us.
Well...
That's not a big deal.
It's not that they lied.
It's that my idea of them as this romantic couple was a lie.
[Sighs] If that's what they do on Valentine's Day,
then maybe they're not who I thought they were.
Yeah, well, I know you think that romance
is all about the big gestures, huh?
But it's about the little things, too.
You want to hear the most romantic thing
honey ever did for me?
Well, one day, I came home late from golf.
And there on the table, I saw a pair of over-easy eggs
that honey had left for me.
I ate them up, and I passed out with the plate on my chest.
And when I came to, I looked down.
What did I find?
Another pair of eggs.
She knew that I'd want more.
More eggs.
Those are the little things.
That's romance, son.
Emery, can you help your brother in the kitchen?
Oh, look.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Lucinda.
Lucinda? [Chuckles]
What, did she play fiddle in a country-Western band?
She did, actually.
You always were a good guesser.
Why didn't you tell me about her?
I just didn't want you to think I was bad at marriage.
I mean, one divorce... That's life.
Two divorces? That's a pattern.
Boopsy, I just didn't want to give you another reason
to think that it wouldn't work out with me.
Cuddlepuss, come here!
Oh!
[Chuckles]
Both: Ohhhh.
Guys...
Goober grape is wonderful.
[Bass thumping]
Eddie: I can't believe it!
Look how close we are to the stage!
We're front row! [Gasps]
I bet Janet's gonna do that thing
where she's singing and touching our hands.
"Y'all having fun tonight?"
Sorry, but you're at the wrong entrance.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.
Okay.
This will be fine I think.
I can't see the stage.
This must be Jimmys fault.
Terry wouldn't do this.
Is that Janet? Who's saying that?
Does anybody have eyes on Janet?
What is this pillar even holding up?
It doesn't even seem structural!
How is our cable bill so cheap?
Oh, I cancelled our account
And I rejoined under my alias, Sydney Jones.
Got us a promotional rate and free HBO.
Thank god. I'd be furious If we were paying for "Dennis Miller Live."
[chuckles]
I don't remember this, though.
It's a bill for car repairs.
Oh, right. I had the van serviced.
I must have forgotten to tell you.
It's a lot of money, Louis.
Well, I thought it was worth it.
You were driving around some big clients the next day,
And I wanted to make sure you made the best impression possible.
Louis Huang. Not bad.
Emery, what are you doing?
Putting my love wall back up.
Turns out romance isn't what I thought it was.
Sorry I've been kind of a jerk.
Aw, it's okay, son.
Sorry we lied to you about our date night.
You were quite the handful the past couple of days.
"I'm mad! I'm mad!" [chuckles]
Well, I wanted to make up for it.
So I made you this.
Aww.
You guys overpaid in love this year,
So you're getting 20% back.
This is probably the wrong form, but I appreciate it.
sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com